Day 111

I sent the Love for an 18 minute session
I am deeply honored and grateful to have just sent the Love/Reiki/Energy through my hands for the healing benefit of all contained in this Exchange. I feel a lot going on in me, a lot of transformations happening on the inner levels of my mind and body. Some of it feels good, and some of it feels really weird.

A lifetime of fear
Does not disappear in 111 days. I know, I would like to say that after 111 days of sending the Love, that all my fear is gone, and that I am perfectly happy all the time. But in reality, sending the Winds of Divine Love through my mind and body stirs up a lot of fear, so it can be cleared out. I have always been afraid, ever since I was a little body, being terrorized by the grownups and others in my life. I put a lot of pictures of myself as a little boy in the pages of my book, and all this Love is flowing to him in all those moments of my life. This is causing alot of goop to be pushed around in me. I feel an energy blockage in the deep muscles of my right buttock, right up in there next to the cradle of my spine. I keep walking and keep working, and I got another adjustment the other day, which helped a lot. This, however, is what I believe about fear:

One tiny drop of Love inside the radiance of the human heart, is more powerful, more awe-inspiring, than all the fear in the world combined. I believe that this Energy of Pure, Unconditional, Universal Love is intelligent, and knows exactly what I need and what I am able to endure at a given time. My fear is healing, transmuting, transforming into Love more and more. I just need to look at it in the face, and then the Love can heal it.

Major fear:
I am afraid of being a white dad to an African American girl. This has been really big, unspoken fear that is filling up like a water balloon inside me. What exactly am I afraid of? That I won't be a good dad. That I won't know what to do, how to be, what to say. Afraid of what society will think. Afraid of it all. I grew up in the streets of Colorado Springs, and had racism pounded with a dull sledgehammer daily. I unconditionally Love my childhood, and I judge nothing, yet the wounds of racism are still in my heart. I once went to a "healing the hurts of racism" weekend workshop with a friend of mine, and it was a lot of sharing and crying and healing. It was absolutely amazing. I still remember that weekend. I left that feeling such a deep bond with African Americans, a deep Love for them. So I have grown and healed a lot. Nobody is born racist. We are born as Pure Love - and all the ugliness and pain are pounded into us by a very dysfunctional world. Even though I am scared, I believe that I will be a good dad, that I will do the very best I can, that my Love will rain down upon her mind and heart in waves upon waves of bliss and joy. I am not my past. I am not what people told me to be. I am not the ugliness I grew up in. I am not ignorance. I am Love.

I am the Love that needs no race, no name, no body to be.

I am the Love that needs no "personal story" to be. I am the Love that exists in the perpetual, eternal Now moment - the Now that encompasses all moments of time in compassion.

I am Love beyond all culture, nationality, religion, dogma, idea, or form. In this Love I am free.

And it is this Love, this Universal Love that Loves every person of every culture with unconditional intensity - that I have been sending to my little girl in Ethiopia these past months. It is this Love that will flood through me the first moment I hold her in my arms.

And yet, I am still scared. And it is okay to be scared. I still Love myself.