Say hello to no back pain!
I am really amazed, Pretty much all day today: no pain, and no pills to keep the pain away. And I drove over 100 miles today, with no back pain.
I really feel blessed to have met this acupuncturist. I feel like my emotional terror, all that fright that I have stored into my kidneys all these years has finally begun to break apart in a healthy, loving, gentle way. I know I have a long way to go, but for now, I am really thrilled.
Monday, March 30, 2009
No caffeine this week, plus rice and beans
To continue my success this week, I am going to see how I feel without caffeine. I have been drinking Yerba Mate tea, which has less caffeine than normal coffee or tea, but it does have caffeine. Plus, energy drinks and supplements from time to time also have caffeine.
So here are my plans this week:
1. No caffeine.
2. Continue the larabars during the day, and bringing back Mr. Brown Rice into my life at night, along with beans.
3. Keep walking.
4. Keep drinking.
5. Keep healing.
6. Keep asking the questions.
So here are my plans this week:
1. No caffeine.
2. Continue the larabars during the day, and bringing back Mr. Brown Rice into my life at night, along with beans.
3. Keep walking.
4. Keep drinking.
5. Keep healing.
6. Keep asking the questions.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
back pain back?
What?
My back hurts more today. Don't get it. Maybe it goes in waves, or cycles.
In the words of my son, Sky:
Whaaaaaaaa-tever!
My back hurts more today. Don't get it. Maybe it goes in waves, or cycles.
In the words of my son, Sky:
Whaaaaaaaa-tever!
Dear Mr. Brown Rice
Hey Buddy,
How has it been going all these years?
I really miss you. When I first brought you so abruptly into my life in 1992, I was living in that strange apartment in Columbia Missouri. I had to walk up this huge flight of stairs to get to my tiny sleeping area, with two very small rooms. To get to the kitchen and bathroom, I had to walk around, and down the same stairs. It was like I was living in bizzarr0-world.
Anyway, just to impress and be like someone else, and for no other reason whatsoever, I cleaned out my tiny dungeon kitchen of all food, and bought a huge gunny sack, filled with you.
I ate you, and only you, for an entire week. In macrobiotic circles, it was called the "7 day diet" or something like that. I cooked you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I lost a lot of weight.
Of course, what I didn't do, was research. I just plunged into your tastes and textures without really thinking or planning, or anything. If I would have done some research, I would have discovered that eating only brown rice for 7 days wasn't recommended by the leading macrobiotic people anymore. Oh well.
That week started a health revolution for me that lasted at least 2 years. It involved consuming you every day, as often as possible, and bringing in beans, vegetables, some fruits, and an occasional fish. Oh, and the seaweed. I ate tons of seaweed for those years. And it also involved completely staying away from anything with sugar in it. No sugar! No high fructose corn syrup.
I remember all those days, when I would get home, put you on the stove, and then smell you cooking for me. I would put my head over the steam coming off of you, and inhale all your beautiful aromas.
What happened? It was the day that Mr. Sugar came back into my life. I was leaving Colorado to come back and study for what I called at that time "the stinkin' bar exam." Anyway, I consciously decided to eat a real sugary piece of junk from a convenience store. I remember how I weighed whether I should eat it or not, and just decided to plunge away.
Yeah, you and I stayed together for a long time after that. I continued eating you, but slowly, over time, I really got sick of eating you all the time.
Please accept this letter, as my formal apology. I just have a hard time eating you, because of so many thousands of times I have chomped you into my belly. I really want to get back together.
Do you still love me?
I hope so.
How has it been going all these years?
I really miss you. When I first brought you so abruptly into my life in 1992, I was living in that strange apartment in Columbia Missouri. I had to walk up this huge flight of stairs to get to my tiny sleeping area, with two very small rooms. To get to the kitchen and bathroom, I had to walk around, and down the same stairs. It was like I was living in bizzarr0-world.
Anyway, just to impress and be like someone else, and for no other reason whatsoever, I cleaned out my tiny dungeon kitchen of all food, and bought a huge gunny sack, filled with you.
I ate you, and only you, for an entire week. In macrobiotic circles, it was called the "7 day diet" or something like that. I cooked you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I lost a lot of weight.
Of course, what I didn't do, was research. I just plunged into your tastes and textures without really thinking or planning, or anything. If I would have done some research, I would have discovered that eating only brown rice for 7 days wasn't recommended by the leading macrobiotic people anymore. Oh well.
That week started a health revolution for me that lasted at least 2 years. It involved consuming you every day, as often as possible, and bringing in beans, vegetables, some fruits, and an occasional fish. Oh, and the seaweed. I ate tons of seaweed for those years. And it also involved completely staying away from anything with sugar in it. No sugar! No high fructose corn syrup.
I remember all those days, when I would get home, put you on the stove, and then smell you cooking for me. I would put my head over the steam coming off of you, and inhale all your beautiful aromas.
What happened? It was the day that Mr. Sugar came back into my life. I was leaving Colorado to come back and study for what I called at that time "the stinkin' bar exam." Anyway, I consciously decided to eat a real sugary piece of junk from a convenience store. I remember how I weighed whether I should eat it or not, and just decided to plunge away.
Yeah, you and I stayed together for a long time after that. I continued eating you, but slowly, over time, I really got sick of eating you all the time.
Please accept this letter, as my formal apology. I just have a hard time eating you, because of so many thousands of times I have chomped you into my belly. I really want to get back together.
Do you still love me?
I hope so.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
back pain almost gone
WOW!
The acupuncture, I think, really worked. I found myself breaking out in spontaneous dance today. Energetically, I think it broke up alot of the fear/terror energy trapped in my kidneys, and helped it get dispersed and released.
I am really amazed about how well acupuncture worked!
The acupuncture, I think, really worked. I found myself breaking out in spontaneous dance today. Energetically, I think it broke up alot of the fear/terror energy trapped in my kidneys, and helped it get dispersed and released.
I am really amazed about how well acupuncture worked!
Day 6 of Larabars - I'M HUNGRY!!!
I made it to my 6th day, but not through my 6th day. I already planned on eating other food tonight, but ate a plain Boca Burger this afternoon with a slice of soy cheese on top!
Pure heaven.
This eating 6 times a day thing really is something for me to continue doing.
I went from 168 to 160.5.
That is 7.5 pounds.
I do know that I will probably gain a few pounds, but I plan on continuing to eat a lot of small meals spaced out throughout the day. AND, drinking tons of water.
The small meals and the water. A good combination.
Pure heaven.
This eating 6 times a day thing really is something for me to continue doing.
I went from 168 to 160.5.
That is 7.5 pounds.
I do know that I will probably gain a few pounds, but I plan on continuing to eat a lot of small meals spaced out throughout the day. AND, drinking tons of water.
The small meals and the water. A good combination.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Day 5 of Larabars
My larabar challenge has gone well. I eat a larabar every two hours, drink a ton of water, take my supplements, and have been able to survive.
I have lost about 8 pounds this week, which has made my back pain worse, because the more weight I lose, the more exposed the terror is. Which is all a blessing, because I was able to get the acupuncture.
I have to work with, disperse, chunk up, love, forgive, and ultimately release all this terror from my kidneys, or I will start packing on the fat again.
I have lost about 8 pounds this week, which has made my back pain worse, because the more weight I lose, the more exposed the terror is. Which is all a blessing, because I was able to get the acupuncture.
I have to work with, disperse, chunk up, love, forgive, and ultimately release all this terror from my kidneys, or I will start packing on the fat again.
The dark cold black hole ocean of fear turns into an ink bubble (and year 4 day 3)
Yesterday, my low back pain got really bad, so I started looking for help. I was lead to a really awesome acupuncturist, and got a really great session.
My back pain is rooted in terror, much of it frozen terror.
Terror is rooted in the kidneys, according to the Chinese Paradigm. So I have been working with the kidneys.
To me, it has always been a black hole, and if I got too near, it would suck me in.
Yet...
During the acupuncture session, I saw this black hole turn into an ink bubble, and further saw it getting dispersed throughout the rest of my body. In acupuncture, the energy runs in meridians, kind of like rivers of water flowing through the body.
And there are places, or points where those rivers interesect, and it is these points where they put the teeny-tiny needles, so that one river can help carry the load of another river, they can criss-cross, ultimately bring balance to the whole energy system.
For me, this energy got trapped in my kidneys as terror, and only expressed as rage, which results in more terror.
Rage and terror are buddies. They hang out in the same bar. Talk a lot. They are a tag team. The angriest people on the planet are the most fearful people on the planet.
Anyway, I feel like this terror energy is getting chunked up, kind of like the image of a cookie crumbling. Today, I have the back pain off and on, but I am starting to see it differently: instead of pain, I see it as energy getting chunked up, distributed, and released. And I feel like it is moving out.
Today, I bathed my kidneys in Love and Life-Force Energy (along with bathing the 4th year of my life in Love - bathing that small boy's kidney's in Love) and it felt really good. During todays session, I did my best to relax my hands as much as possible, and just allow this Life-Force to flow. I saw this "black goo" bubbling up and flowing out, down through multiple channels, emptying out of me forever. Draining. God/dess knows, I have carried this long enough. Instead of being a clear flowing river of energy, my kidneys have become a stagnant, stinky, cold, terrifying place - and that is where all my "stuff" all my trauma, is being stored.
The acupuncturist?
Jason T. Hamm, www.blueginkgomedicine.com
He is a true professional.
Now I know why I am drinking so much water!
My back pain is rooted in terror, much of it frozen terror.
Terror is rooted in the kidneys, according to the Chinese Paradigm. So I have been working with the kidneys.
To me, it has always been a black hole, and if I got too near, it would suck me in.
Yet...
During the acupuncture session, I saw this black hole turn into an ink bubble, and further saw it getting dispersed throughout the rest of my body. In acupuncture, the energy runs in meridians, kind of like rivers of water flowing through the body.
And there are places, or points where those rivers interesect, and it is these points where they put the teeny-tiny needles, so that one river can help carry the load of another river, they can criss-cross, ultimately bring balance to the whole energy system.
For me, this energy got trapped in my kidneys as terror, and only expressed as rage, which results in more terror.
Rage and terror are buddies. They hang out in the same bar. Talk a lot. They are a tag team. The angriest people on the planet are the most fearful people on the planet.
Anyway, I feel like this terror energy is getting chunked up, kind of like the image of a cookie crumbling. Today, I have the back pain off and on, but I am starting to see it differently: instead of pain, I see it as energy getting chunked up, distributed, and released. And I feel like it is moving out.
Today, I bathed my kidneys in Love and Life-Force Energy (along with bathing the 4th year of my life in Love - bathing that small boy's kidney's in Love) and it felt really good. During todays session, I did my best to relax my hands as much as possible, and just allow this Life-Force to flow. I saw this "black goo" bubbling up and flowing out, down through multiple channels, emptying out of me forever. Draining. God/dess knows, I have carried this long enough. Instead of being a clear flowing river of energy, my kidneys have become a stagnant, stinky, cold, terrifying place - and that is where all my "stuff" all my trauma, is being stored.
The acupuncturist?
Jason T. Hamm, www.blueginkgomedicine.com
He is a true professional.
Now I know why I am drinking so much water!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
year 4 (day 2- SESSION) Love knows!
As I lay down, breathe deeply, and using Reiki and Quantum Touch, send Universal Life-Energy into my 4th year of life...
I trust that Love knows.
I may not remember anything about what I was doing, feeling, or even what I looked like, for when I think about myself as a 3 year old boy, I draw blanks in my mind, but I TOTALLY TRUST...
That Love knows.
Love is like a River of Pure Intelligent Life, that truly knows every second of my 3rd year of life, and knows what needs to heal, what needs to transform, what needs to transmute, and what needs to be celebrated.
And I really feel this Love penetrating deep into me. And I take this boy, in my emotional arms, and I carry him around in my mind. I carry him to my safe place, and I hold him, and I love him, and I tell him how GOOD he is, and how BRIGHT he is. I create a warm and safe place for him, even though I can't see his face.
I see my third year like a river bed. And the waters of Love have burst their seeming boundaries, flowing down that river, filling and covering and penetrating every rock, ever moment, burrowing deep into all those moments.
Light flowing, gushing, pouring through that small boy growing up in Colorado Springs, confused, happy, scared, excited, bursting with Life.
I trust that Love knows.
I may not remember anything about what I was doing, feeling, or even what I looked like, for when I think about myself as a 3 year old boy, I draw blanks in my mind, but I TOTALLY TRUST...
That Love knows.
Love is like a River of Pure Intelligent Life, that truly knows every second of my 3rd year of life, and knows what needs to heal, what needs to transform, what needs to transmute, and what needs to be celebrated.
And I really feel this Love penetrating deep into me. And I take this boy, in my emotional arms, and I carry him around in my mind. I carry him to my safe place, and I hold him, and I love him, and I tell him how GOOD he is, and how BRIGHT he is. I create a warm and safe place for him, even though I can't see his face.
I see my third year like a river bed. And the waters of Love have burst their seeming boundaries, flowing down that river, filling and covering and penetrating every rock, ever moment, burrowing deep into all those moments.
Light flowing, gushing, pouring through that small boy growing up in Colorado Springs, confused, happy, scared, excited, bursting with Life.
We never heal for ourselves only
Something has been on my mind lately. It seems that I get on here and write about myself, myself, myself. At times it all seems a bit self-absorbed. Then I realize something:
I am not healing for myself only.
I am doing all of this personal healing, sending all this Love back in time to my inner-child, so that I can REALLY BE THERE for my beautiful family:
Christine: Whom I love more than every breath I take.
Sorin: Who always makes me laugh, and who I celebrate and love more and more each day, as we learn to laugh more together and not push each others buttons.
Liam: Everything I know about JOY, I learned from Liam, ever-since I carried him on my shoulders for the first time.
Andrew Prasad: My Indian Prince who always makes me laugh, and who is helping me heal myself, and who is growing like a beautiful flower in my heart
Sky Bear: My Guatemalan Prince who warms my heart and makes me cry when I think about how much I love him beyond words. And...
Amelie: That mysterious, beautiful, brilliant, smiling African daughter who is now being carried to us by the very Hands of the Goddess Herself...
I am doing this, for all of them! And for all my extended family, for people I know only casually, and expanding out for all humanity.
As I take full responsibility for sending Love into myself, for the purpose of healing, I am doing it not just for me.
For what would be the purpose to heal alone?
I am doing it so that I can more fully GIVE MYSELF away.
I am not healing for myself only.
I am doing all of this personal healing, sending all this Love back in time to my inner-child, so that I can REALLY BE THERE for my beautiful family:
Christine: Whom I love more than every breath I take.
Sorin: Who always makes me laugh, and who I celebrate and love more and more each day, as we learn to laugh more together and not push each others buttons.
Liam: Everything I know about JOY, I learned from Liam, ever-since I carried him on my shoulders for the first time.
Andrew Prasad: My Indian Prince who always makes me laugh, and who is helping me heal myself, and who is growing like a beautiful flower in my heart
Sky Bear: My Guatemalan Prince who warms my heart and makes me cry when I think about how much I love him beyond words. And...
Amelie: That mysterious, beautiful, brilliant, smiling African daughter who is now being carried to us by the very Hands of the Goddess Herself...
I am doing this, for all of them! And for all my extended family, for people I know only casually, and expanding out for all humanity.
As I take full responsibility for sending Love into myself, for the purpose of healing, I am doing it not just for me.
For what would be the purpose to heal alone?
I am doing it so that I can more fully GIVE MYSELF away.
My son and my inner child
My son, Andrew, has severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his time in an Indian Orphanage, and last night, he was extremely freaked out by all the wind. So, after school, I had him listen to some EMDR, (alternate pinging sounds in each ear to help the brain access the resources of both hemispheres in dealing with trauma), while I sat on the bed and began tapping on his "collar bone point" that I learned in EFT.
I deeply and powerfully, with all the forces of my mind, emotions, heart, and energy, communicated the silent though to him, that YOU ARE SAFE, as I kept tapping. Then, I began to tap on my collar bone point at the same time. Then, the miracle.
I realize that in helping him, I am helping my child who also has terror issues, who also was traumatized, and who also is looking for danger around every corner of life.
Later that night, I laid in the bed with him, to help him feel safe. As the wind howled and clamored and pushed against the house, again, I had him listen to the EMDR recording. I began to do circular breathing, breathing the center of my heart up through my head, into the Universe, and rolling that Transcendent Love back down and into him. I imagined that my ENERGY HANDS, were holding his head, communicating to him that he was safe.
I then held him: this beautiful boy from India with a wonderful smile and a quirky personality who went through more than any human being should ever experience as a child.
In holding him, I also held myself: that beautiful boy with a big smile growing up in Colorado Springs, walking through the land of demons and broken beer bottles and overflowing ashtrays and screaming and yelling and monsters that sneak up in the night.
Andrew was me. I was him. I am sure 9 year old Danny and 9 year old Andrew would have a BALL wreaking havoc and causing mischief!!!
I deeply and powerfully, with all the forces of my mind, emotions, heart, and energy, communicated the silent though to him, that YOU ARE SAFE, as I kept tapping. Then, I began to tap on my collar bone point at the same time. Then, the miracle.
I realize that in helping him, I am helping my child who also has terror issues, who also was traumatized, and who also is looking for danger around every corner of life.
Later that night, I laid in the bed with him, to help him feel safe. As the wind howled and clamored and pushed against the house, again, I had him listen to the EMDR recording. I began to do circular breathing, breathing the center of my heart up through my head, into the Universe, and rolling that Transcendent Love back down and into him. I imagined that my ENERGY HANDS, were holding his head, communicating to him that he was safe.
I then held him: this beautiful boy from India with a wonderful smile and a quirky personality who went through more than any human being should ever experience as a child.
In holding him, I also held myself: that beautiful boy with a big smile growing up in Colorado Springs, walking through the land of demons and broken beer bottles and overflowing ashtrays and screaming and yelling and monsters that sneak up in the night.
Andrew was me. I was him. I am sure 9 year old Danny and 9 year old Andrew would have a BALL wreaking havoc and causing mischief!!!
Back pain reduced by water
In my day job as a MUGGLE, I do a lot of driving (about 40,000 miles a year), and in the past month driving has become very painful due to my lower back pain.
However, I can report that in just two days of GURGLING DOWN as much water as I can swallow during the day, it is reducing the pain I am feeling in my back as I drive. I would venture to estimate that, so far, drinking all this water has reduced my pain by about 30 percent. It still hurts when I drive, but the edge has been taken off.
Pretty cool, this water thing.
However, I can report that in just two days of GURGLING DOWN as much water as I can swallow during the day, it is reducing the pain I am feeling in my back as I drive. I would venture to estimate that, so far, drinking all this water has reduced my pain by about 30 percent. It still hurts when I drive, but the edge has been taken off.
Pretty cool, this water thing.
Sending Energy/Light to each year: may not post every day
Just a note, to say that I may not post every day about the process of bathing my inner-child in Universal Energy/Light/Love. This process is going to take about 20 weeks to get up to age 41, but I will try to blog about this as much as possible.
summarize what I am doing
So here is my quick summary of what I am doing, re-capping to keep my own mind focused and centered:
1. Asking, reflecting, releasing, and vibrating 108 Infinite Beingness Questions into my heart mind and body every single day for 2009.
2. Transmitting Universal Love through my heart and hands and into each year of my life for the purposes of deep healing, release, and transmutation of old trauma and pain. Currently bathing my 4th year of Life in Universal Love and Life Force Energy. Having great results.
3. Health challenges, fasts, and other things. I am exploring the relationship between what I put in my body and my spiritual awareness. I started out with about 20 days of raw juice. I wanted to go 92 days but didn't make it.
4. Now, I am eating only raw lara bars for six days: one bar every two hours. Along with my usual vitamins and supplements.
5. WATER. I am committing to drinking a gallon of clear water a day, to see how much this impacts my health goals, and how much it reduces my back pain.
6. BREATHING. I am doing as much deep, long, circular breathing as possible: smoothly breathing all the way in, and all the way out, for ten minute sessions 3 times a day.
7. Pyramid hat. I am going to start wearing my Pyramid hat with crystals built into it to increase my awareness. (Okay.... just kidding)
1. Asking, reflecting, releasing, and vibrating 108 Infinite Beingness Questions into my heart mind and body every single day for 2009.
2. Transmitting Universal Love through my heart and hands and into each year of my life for the purposes of deep healing, release, and transmutation of old trauma and pain. Currently bathing my 4th year of Life in Universal Love and Life Force Energy. Having great results.
3. Health challenges, fasts, and other things. I am exploring the relationship between what I put in my body and my spiritual awareness. I started out with about 20 days of raw juice. I wanted to go 92 days but didn't make it.
4. Now, I am eating only raw lara bars for six days: one bar every two hours. Along with my usual vitamins and supplements.
5. WATER. I am committing to drinking a gallon of clear water a day, to see how much this impacts my health goals, and how much it reduces my back pain.
6. BREATHING. I am doing as much deep, long, circular breathing as possible: smoothly breathing all the way in, and all the way out, for ten minute sessions 3 times a day.
7. Pyramid hat. I am going to start wearing my Pyramid hat with crystals built into it to increase my awareness. (Okay.... just kidding)
Day 2 of lara bars
Well, I made it through day 1 of this six day personal health challenge without any bumps and without really feeling hungry at all. One thing that helped me was chewing Trident gum.
Water Water Water
I have been doing research on the web about the benefits of drinking a lot of water. I am amazed that something so simple is the one thing that can help us the most. I was looking at sites that say that a major contributing factor of back pain is the lack of water. Pain of most kinds is the body telling us that we are lacking enough water.
So in this spirit I am going to try and increase my water intake to over a gallon today, and then see if it starts to help ease my back pain.
Drinking this much water is quite a chore. But I am going to really do my best to drink over a gallon of water today and see how I feel.
Water Water Water
I have been doing research on the web about the benefits of drinking a lot of water. I am amazed that something so simple is the one thing that can help us the most. I was looking at sites that say that a major contributing factor of back pain is the lack of water. Pain of most kinds is the body telling us that we are lacking enough water.
So in this spirit I am going to try and increase my water intake to over a gallon today, and then see if it starts to help ease my back pain.
Drinking this much water is quite a chore. But I am going to really do my best to drink over a gallon of water today and see how I feel.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Year 4 (day 1)
I just wrote a whole post, that got deleted by BLOGGER Errrg...
I AM GOOD!
In today's session, I placed my hands on my head, breathed deeply, and channeled Universal Love through my hands, into my brain, mind, memories, and back through time, to wrap my 3 year old body, mind, and spirit in LOVE!!!!
YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!
This thought, I send like a million feathers falling from heaven, into his mind. You are good, Danny. You are good!
I AM GOOD!
In today's session, I placed my hands on my head, breathed deeply, and channeled Universal Love through my hands, into my brain, mind, memories, and back through time, to wrap my 3 year old body, mind, and spirit in LOVE!!!!
YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!
This thought, I send like a million feathers falling from heaven, into his mind. You are good, Danny. You are good!
Year 4 of my life (day 1) (SESSION)
I just laid down on my office sofa, and placed one palm over my forehead, and the other palm over the back of my head.
For 27 minutes, I breathed deeply and continuously, and consciously channeled Universal Love through my hands, into my mind, back through the layers of time, into the fog of my childood, and into that 4th year of my life.
In my mind, I placed my hands on each side of my face as a 3 year old child, and I communicated this major thought into him:
YOU ARE GOOD!
I THUNDER that thought back through time, and into his small body, his growing mind.
Danny,
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY. I AM TELLING YOU, THAT YOU ARE GOOD. BECAUSE I KNOW.
I am your future self. I am your adult self. And I am telling you this from a time in the future in which you are married, and have children, and you are happy! You are good, Danny.
Your goodness is eternally untouched by what happened to your body, mind, and emotions. Your goodness is inherent, indestructible, permanent, and everlasting.
May this thought fall like a million feathers into your mind, Danny. You are good. You are such a good boy! You are good, good, good. Anything else, that anyone else has ever said, is LIES.
I know the truth about you. I do. You are good.
You are not a monster. You are not evil. You never have been, and never will be!
You are good!
May your whole world, the air your breathe, the water you drink, your waking mind and dreaming mind, GENTLY SHAKE with this truth. In the name of ALL LOVE in the Universe, may you know that you are GOOD!!!!!
For 27 minutes, I breathed deeply and continuously, and consciously channeled Universal Love through my hands, into my mind, back through the layers of time, into the fog of my childood, and into that 4th year of my life.
In my mind, I placed my hands on each side of my face as a 3 year old child, and I communicated this major thought into him:
YOU ARE GOOD!
I THUNDER that thought back through time, and into his small body, his growing mind.
Danny,
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY. I AM TELLING YOU, THAT YOU ARE GOOD. BECAUSE I KNOW.
I am your future self. I am your adult self. And I am telling you this from a time in the future in which you are married, and have children, and you are happy! You are good, Danny.
Your goodness is eternally untouched by what happened to your body, mind, and emotions. Your goodness is inherent, indestructible, permanent, and everlasting.
May this thought fall like a million feathers into your mind, Danny. You are good. You are such a good boy! You are good, good, good. Anything else, that anyone else has ever said, is LIES.
I know the truth about you. I do. You are good.
You are not a monster. You are not evil. You never have been, and never will be!
You are good!
May your whole world, the air your breathe, the water you drink, your waking mind and dreaming mind, GENTLY SHAKE with this truth. In the name of ALL LOVE in the Universe, may you know that you are GOOD!!!!!
6 day LaraBar Challenge (Day 1)
Starting weight: 168
I am half-way through my first day, feeling good. Not much to report. I have had 3 bars so far, and I don't feel hungry. I feel energized and clear headed.
I am half-way through my first day, feeling good. Not much to report. I have had 3 bars so far, and I don't feel hungry. I feel energized and clear headed.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
New 6 day challenge
Okay, its not a good picture, but these are raw fruit and nut bars, and they are really tasty. I have three flavors: applie pie, cashew, and cherry. They are really tasty.So here is my challenge for the next 6 days. (I started trying to do this last week, but broke down at night and ate soup and crackers)
With the deepest conviction within me, I will do this!
1. For the next three days, I will eat a larabar every two hours, six per day. This, I hope, will help increase my metabolism and also help me drop weight.
2. I will do deep, abdominal, circular breathing for 10 minutes at a time, 3 times a day, for a total of 30 minutes a day. This involves breathing all the way in slowly and smoothly, filling my lungs to capacity, and breathing all the way out, emptying my lungs completely, and doing it continuously, with no pause between each breath. I will back off my breath if I become dizzy or lighteaded. As I breathe in this way, I will practice drawing my heart up into Universal Love on each inhale, and allowing that Love to flow into and through me on each exhale. I will focus on Love and only Love during my breathing sessions.
3. I will drink at least a half-gallon of water a day. That is about three 24 ounce jugs of water a day. (It is so easy for me to get dehydrated - and drinking copious amounts of water, I believe, will help flush toxins and increase metabolism)
4. I will walk at least one half hour per day, briskly, maybe more.
5. I will take cleansing herbal supplements, and a multivitamin twice per day, along with my ALL DAY ENERGY GREENS, and my Vitalagy, and of course, my Yerba Mate Tea, which is fabulously delicious and energizing. Perhaps a protein shake or two to keep up my protein intake.
6. I will also continue bathing each year of my life with Universal Love. Tomorrow, I will begin bathing year 4 in Love.
7. Of course, the 108 Infinite Beingness Questions will be part of the routine, just as it has been this entire year.
This Saturday night, I will have a bowl of rice. :)
Tomorrow morning, I will weigh myself to see where I am starting out as.
God/dess, I pray for the strength and the stamina to complete this challenge!!
Year 3 (Session)
During Church today, I silently sent Love to my third year on this planet. It went really good, and I will do more tonight.
time to tattle on myself a little
Keeping it honest, I need to share with this blog a few things about myself.
1. After that 20 days or so of grinding up raw juices and drinking nothing but raw, blended vegetable juices, now, there is a deep part of my that has rebelled, and I refuse to juice any vegetables at all. I just refuse. I am noticing this, witnessing it, and letting it be for now.
2. I also notice that, in the past week or so, I have been porking out a lot more, and I know that it is because it has been my way of concealing my pain. So, I have been consciously working on keeping my diet under control, with some success, and some not-so-success.
I have a memory of when I was a real, small boy. Don't know what age. But we had this maid who didn't speak any English. Anyway, I figured out how to overeat with her. I would point to the peanut butter, and she would make me a sandwich. Then, when I was done eating that sandwich, I would point to the peanut butter, and she would make me another. I kept eating, and kept pointing, and she kept making them, and I continued eating them. I think I ate like 6 or 7 sandwiches in a row.
So, now flash-forward into this strange future of mine where there is the internet and all this fancy stuff, and here I am, a 41 year old man, and that little boy is still pointing to the "peanut butter" and there is a part of me that keeps making it for him.
In college, I porked and porked and porked out, and ballooned up to 200 pounds, which on my 5' 8" frame, I looked really big.
In my first year of law school, I played a lot of basketball, and really worked my ass off, and got back down into the 160's. Then, in the middle of my second year, I had an "emotional smackdown" of sorts, and bailed for a year. This was 1991.
Then in 1992, I really lost even more weight, got down to 145 because of being on a "macrobiotic diet" for about 2 years.
Then, when I came back to Missouri to study for the bar exam, I kept eating really good, and in 1994 I was doing a lot of really awesome emotional work, had some major breakthroughs, and then it all stopped when I was severely violated on a massage table by a male Rolfer.
Then I plunged deep into eating. Deep, deep.
From 1994 through 1999 I tried to keep it off, but I was not able to stop the compulsion to hide under a nice layer of belly fat. This is where I hide my "emotional baggage," way deep down in there where my belly meets my lower back: way, way down in there.
And I have had back problems off and on the whole time.
1999, I meet Christine, fall head over heels in love, get married, and from there...
I go up and down, gaining 10, losing 10, gaining 10, losing 10, but never really getting rid of my blanket of belly fat, never really stepping out into the world emotionally naked.
There is a part of me that believes if I lose all this belly fat, then I will be exposed and vulnerable to attack. The only way for me to lose this belly fat, and get back to my light, healthy weight is to do what I am doing now: Sending Light, Love, and Energy back through time to my inner child, and creating a safe place in my heart and mind for my inner child, right here and now.
So to the present moment regarding my physical weight: I just went from 175-177 down to 164, and then went up to 166-168. I feel myself turning to food to comfort myself, and my hope is that writing about it, will help me be more conscious of it.
My back, my back, my back. What can I say about this nagging, reoccuring back pain? Intuitively, I feel like this: The more weight I lose, the more my back hurts, the more exposed that trauma is. Losing weight is like walking back down a road I have been on before, and I come to a sign that says, "back pain, up ahead, turn around now if you don't want to hurt" Time and time again, I have kept walking past the sign, only to encounter the inevitable back pain. And time and time again, as I go deeper and deeper into the THORNY FOREST, I turn around, because it's not just the physical pain, but the emotional freakout as well, that I am running from when I turn back to the LAND OF GLUTTONY.
The solution?
I think I keep doing what I am doing. I am feeling really good, like I am really, really healing something deep and primordial within me, each time I give the little boy in me all that Light and Love.
And I am going to do another physical health challenge, a shorter one this time, like going to the doctor for a quick shot of MOTIVATION. Because I need it.
1. After that 20 days or so of grinding up raw juices and drinking nothing but raw, blended vegetable juices, now, there is a deep part of my that has rebelled, and I refuse to juice any vegetables at all. I just refuse. I am noticing this, witnessing it, and letting it be for now.
2. I also notice that, in the past week or so, I have been porking out a lot more, and I know that it is because it has been my way of concealing my pain. So, I have been consciously working on keeping my diet under control, with some success, and some not-so-success.
I have a memory of when I was a real, small boy. Don't know what age. But we had this maid who didn't speak any English. Anyway, I figured out how to overeat with her. I would point to the peanut butter, and she would make me a sandwich. Then, when I was done eating that sandwich, I would point to the peanut butter, and she would make me another. I kept eating, and kept pointing, and she kept making them, and I continued eating them. I think I ate like 6 or 7 sandwiches in a row.
So, now flash-forward into this strange future of mine where there is the internet and all this fancy stuff, and here I am, a 41 year old man, and that little boy is still pointing to the "peanut butter" and there is a part of me that keeps making it for him.
In college, I porked and porked and porked out, and ballooned up to 200 pounds, which on my 5' 8" frame, I looked really big.
In my first year of law school, I played a lot of basketball, and really worked my ass off, and got back down into the 160's. Then, in the middle of my second year, I had an "emotional smackdown" of sorts, and bailed for a year. This was 1991.
Then in 1992, I really lost even more weight, got down to 145 because of being on a "macrobiotic diet" for about 2 years.
Then, when I came back to Missouri to study for the bar exam, I kept eating really good, and in 1994 I was doing a lot of really awesome emotional work, had some major breakthroughs, and then it all stopped when I was severely violated on a massage table by a male Rolfer.
Then I plunged deep into eating. Deep, deep.
From 1994 through 1999 I tried to keep it off, but I was not able to stop the compulsion to hide under a nice layer of belly fat. This is where I hide my "emotional baggage," way deep down in there where my belly meets my lower back: way, way down in there.
And I have had back problems off and on the whole time.
1999, I meet Christine, fall head over heels in love, get married, and from there...
I go up and down, gaining 10, losing 10, gaining 10, losing 10, but never really getting rid of my blanket of belly fat, never really stepping out into the world emotionally naked.
There is a part of me that believes if I lose all this belly fat, then I will be exposed and vulnerable to attack. The only way for me to lose this belly fat, and get back to my light, healthy weight is to do what I am doing now: Sending Light, Love, and Energy back through time to my inner child, and creating a safe place in my heart and mind for my inner child, right here and now.
So to the present moment regarding my physical weight: I just went from 175-177 down to 164, and then went up to 166-168. I feel myself turning to food to comfort myself, and my hope is that writing about it, will help me be more conscious of it.
My back, my back, my back. What can I say about this nagging, reoccuring back pain? Intuitively, I feel like this: The more weight I lose, the more my back hurts, the more exposed that trauma is. Losing weight is like walking back down a road I have been on before, and I come to a sign that says, "back pain, up ahead, turn around now if you don't want to hurt" Time and time again, I have kept walking past the sign, only to encounter the inevitable back pain. And time and time again, as I go deeper and deeper into the THORNY FOREST, I turn around, because it's not just the physical pain, but the emotional freakout as well, that I am running from when I turn back to the LAND OF GLUTTONY.
The solution?
I think I keep doing what I am doing. I am feeling really good, like I am really, really healing something deep and primordial within me, each time I give the little boy in me all that Light and Love.
And I am going to do another physical health challenge, a shorter one this time, like going to the doctor for a quick shot of MOTIVATION. Because I need it.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
3rd Year of Life (Day 2) (SESSION)
Longer session today
I gave myself a healing session for about a half-hour today, and feel really, really wonderful.
Even though I can't remember much of anything from age 2 to age 3, I know with every fiber of my being, that the Love I am channeling into myself, is reaching that beautiful boy.
As I take a deep breath in, I use my imagination and pull my heart up into all Love...
As I release my breath, I intend, direct, and allow that Universal Love to pour back through my heart and hands, into my brain, mind, memories, and into every second of my life during my 3rd year on this planet.
I keep my hands as deeply and completely relaxed as possible, all tension gone, so that Love can flow.
Submerged in Light
The 3rd year of my life,
submerged in Light, submerged in Light.
The 3rd year of my life,
surrounded in Light, surrounded in Light.
The 3rd year of my life,
transformed into Light, transformed into Light.
Love continues to flow, after each session is complete
After I get up from my self-healing session, I am finding that the Love continues to flow. I feel that little boy in me, wrapped in this Light/Love/Energy. I really feel it.
For example, as I write this passage, I can feel my heart tingling. I can feel the Energy from my heart rise into the Universe, and I can feel Love (just pure, clear, radiant, unconditional Love) flowing into me, and into that boy that aged from 2 to 3 from April, 69 through April, 70.
The cool part of all of this
I see that 3rd year like a container, or a cup. With each breath of Love, I fill that cup to overflowing, so that every moment: sleeping, waking, eating, drinking, the happy and sad, the painful and the pleasurable, every thought, dream, emotion, feeling, every cell, atom, muscle, tendon of my body: ALL OF IT completely saturated in Love.
When I send Love into that container, LOVE HAS A REAL KNACK FOR BURSTING THE BOUNDARIES and saturating all moments. I feel this Love now. It goes everywhere.
Only I can do this - yet I feel the Loving thoughts and vibrations of others
I take complete responsibility. With Love overflowing, I gladly assume the responsibility of wrapping my toddler-self, my inner child, in unconditional Love. Only I can do this. Not God, Goddess, Gurus, or anyone else. Until I Love myself unconditionally, the Universe cannot and will not respond in kind. I am really getting this. And it feels fantastic.
Having said this, I really feel and appreciate all the Love and healing vibrations from the people reading this blog. You totally know who you are. It feels really sublime. It feels like I am surrounded by healing souls, and I can really feel supported and nurtured. Even though we may not interact much on the physical level, it feels that I am surrounded and supported by Love. It has been that way all my life. I have been blessed so many times with the support and Love and acceptance of so many others.
The body is only a tip of the iceberg of our beings. There is so much going on beyond my conscious awareness. So much Love. So much healing. So much support. I am so completely and deeply grateful.
Part of Loving myself is accepting Love from others, and I really feel all the positive thoughts of others.
Thank you!!
:)
I gave myself a healing session for about a half-hour today, and feel really, really wonderful.
Even though I can't remember much of anything from age 2 to age 3, I know with every fiber of my being, that the Love I am channeling into myself, is reaching that beautiful boy.
As I take a deep breath in, I use my imagination and pull my heart up into all Love...
As I release my breath, I intend, direct, and allow that Universal Love to pour back through my heart and hands, into my brain, mind, memories, and into every second of my life during my 3rd year on this planet.
I keep my hands as deeply and completely relaxed as possible, all tension gone, so that Love can flow.
Submerged in Light
The 3rd year of my life,
submerged in Light, submerged in Light.
The 3rd year of my life,
surrounded in Light, surrounded in Light.
The 3rd year of my life,
transformed into Light, transformed into Light.
Love continues to flow, after each session is complete
After I get up from my self-healing session, I am finding that the Love continues to flow. I feel that little boy in me, wrapped in this Light/Love/Energy. I really feel it.
For example, as I write this passage, I can feel my heart tingling. I can feel the Energy from my heart rise into the Universe, and I can feel Love (just pure, clear, radiant, unconditional Love) flowing into me, and into that boy that aged from 2 to 3 from April, 69 through April, 70.
The cool part of all of this
I see that 3rd year like a container, or a cup. With each breath of Love, I fill that cup to overflowing, so that every moment: sleeping, waking, eating, drinking, the happy and sad, the painful and the pleasurable, every thought, dream, emotion, feeling, every cell, atom, muscle, tendon of my body: ALL OF IT completely saturated in Love.
When I send Love into that container, LOVE HAS A REAL KNACK FOR BURSTING THE BOUNDARIES and saturating all moments. I feel this Love now. It goes everywhere.
Only I can do this - yet I feel the Loving thoughts and vibrations of others
I take complete responsibility. With Love overflowing, I gladly assume the responsibility of wrapping my toddler-self, my inner child, in unconditional Love. Only I can do this. Not God, Goddess, Gurus, or anyone else. Until I Love myself unconditionally, the Universe cannot and will not respond in kind. I am really getting this. And it feels fantastic.
Having said this, I really feel and appreciate all the Love and healing vibrations from the people reading this blog. You totally know who you are. It feels really sublime. It feels like I am surrounded by healing souls, and I can really feel supported and nurtured. Even though we may not interact much on the physical level, it feels that I am surrounded and supported by Love. It has been that way all my life. I have been blessed so many times with the support and Love and acceptance of so many others.
The body is only a tip of the iceberg of our beings. There is so much going on beyond my conscious awareness. So much Love. So much healing. So much support. I am so completely and deeply grateful.
Part of Loving myself is accepting Love from others, and I really feel all the positive thoughts of others.
Thank you!!
:)
Slight change in focus
When I am placing my hands on my head or my heart and transmitting this timeless Love, Life Force, Prana, Chi, back to myself as a small child, I will send that Love to the one year I am focusing on, with the understanding that this Love is bathing all the moments of my life with Love.
That is really what I am feeling. I feel this Love is flooding into all the moments of my life, because there really is no boundary.
In my obsessive mind, I didn't want to just move to the next year of my life, and not send Love to the year before. It is really not anything I should worry about.
Love sent into one moment of my life, bathes them all in that same Light. When I send Love to that small child, deep within my mind, it is like a river that overflows its boundaries.
This Energy is Intelligent, and will go where it needs to go anyway.
So my focus is one year at a time. I am now in the second day of bathing my third year of life in this Love, knowing that this Love floods like water breaking a dam, to all moments as well.
That is really what I am feeling. I feel this Love is flooding into all the moments of my life, because there really is no boundary.
In my obsessive mind, I didn't want to just move to the next year of my life, and not send Love to the year before. It is really not anything I should worry about.
Love sent into one moment of my life, bathes them all in that same Light. When I send Love to that small child, deep within my mind, it is like a river that overflows its boundaries.
This Energy is Intelligent, and will go where it needs to go anyway.
So my focus is one year at a time. I am now in the second day of bathing my third year of life in this Love, knowing that this Love floods like water breaking a dam, to all moments as well.
Love is the most awesome Force in the Universe
In fact,
Love is the very glue that holds this mystery together.
With Love,
I can reach times and places unseen to my mortal eyes.
Love,
is an Energy that I can send to all times, places, spaces, and dimensions.
Love,
is not bound to these seeming laws of time and space.
Love,
is unconditional.
Love,
sustains all, regardless of belief, creed, politics, religion.
Love,
heals wounds that conscious eyes simply cannot see.
Love,
binds us all together.
the Love,
that a mother in South Africa has for her two blessed children,
she would die for them, literally,
is the same Love, the very same Light,
that a single father has for his children,
living in Nashville Tennessee,
he would die for them, literally.
From a president to a peasant,
the Love we have for our children,
is the SAME LIGHT.
When will we choose to see and feel
and know
our oneness
in that Light?
Love is the very glue that holds this mystery together.
With Love,
I can reach times and places unseen to my mortal eyes.
Love,
is an Energy that I can send to all times, places, spaces, and dimensions.
Love,
is not bound to these seeming laws of time and space.
Love,
is unconditional.
Love,
sustains all, regardless of belief, creed, politics, religion.
Love,
heals wounds that conscious eyes simply cannot see.
Love,
binds us all together.
the Love,
that a mother in South Africa has for her two blessed children,
she would die for them, literally,
is the same Love, the very same Light,
that a single father has for his children,
living in Nashville Tennessee,
he would die for them, literally.
From a president to a peasant,
the Love we have for our children,
is the SAME LIGHT.
When will we choose to see and feel
and know
our oneness
in that Light?
Friday, March 20, 2009
First 3 years (Day 1) SESSION
April, 67 through April, 70 -
The CHEESY 70's begins, and I am a 3 year old boy. Don't remember much about what I was doing then, but LOVE knows, INTELLIGENCE knows, GOD knows, GODDESS knows, my SPIRITUAL TEACHERS know, and MY HIGHER SELF knows. What I can feel, as this process develops even more, is that my whole life is shimmering in a glowing, transcendent Light.
The CHEESY 70's begins, and I am a 3 year old boy. Don't remember much about what I was doing then, but LOVE knows, INTELLIGENCE knows, GOD knows, GODDESS knows, my SPIRITUAL TEACHERS know, and MY HIGHER SELF knows. What I can feel, as this process develops even more, is that my whole life is shimmering in a glowing, transcendent Light.
My Healing Session for today
Into every beat of my heart from birth to 3 years of age
into every breath in and out of my lungs,
into every waking
and into every dreaming moment
of my body, mind, emotions...
I now transmit the clearest, most beautiful Unconditional Love
and Life Force Energy.
When I am laying down, breathing deeply, my head between my palms,
sometimes it feels like I am that little body, and the Love feels really,
really good.
In reality, I am that body, just bigger.
I am that heart, just bigger.
To love the infant baby within me, to love that toddler, is to love myself right now in the most profound way. Because, that baby is a living, breathing being within me.
One big circle
Today, it felt like the Love I sent to my birth-baby-infant-toddler self traveled in a huge circle, like a river, flowing through every moment of my years on this planet, circling back into me laying in my bed in Lawrence Kansas. It was really a beautiful experience.
Inside a circle of Goddesses and Saints
At the end of my session today, I did EMDR tapping (gently tapping both sides of my body in an alternate way), and went to my safe place. I was inside a circle of Goddesses of all kinds, and also surrounding me was an army of Masters, Saints, Avatars, Teachers, Guides, and Gurus of all kinds. Such an iron-clad force field of Love that no ugliness could ever penetrate!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Loving myself from a higher level
One thing I realized in today's session is this:
I must send Love into my first 2 years, from the place of Infinite Love that I am. I must Love myself from a Higher Level than I was in when I experienced all that I went through.
I do this by sweeping my heart into the Universe on each long inhale...
And channeling Love into the first 2 years of Life on each exhale...
Loving myself, ultimately, from the place of Transcendent Beingness.
I must send Love into my first 2 years, from the place of Infinite Love that I am. I must Love myself from a Higher Level than I was in when I experienced all that I went through.
I do this by sweeping my heart into the Universe on each long inhale...
And channeling Love into the first 2 years of Life on each exhale...
Loving myself, ultimately, from the place of Transcendent Beingness.
First 2 years (Day 3) (SESSION)
Really, really wonderful
From this ETERNAL NOW MOMENT
hovering above time,
and encompassing all moments of time
in Bliss
I now saturate the first two years of my life
with Pure, Clear, Unconditional Love.
I feel so much Energy, so much Joy
overflowing,
and pouring out of me.
That baby boy, that beautiful baby boy
and me,
Are One.
He is me.
I am him.
The Love I wrap in the first two years of my life
I receive now,
deep
deeper
within me.
This is a profound, awesome, magnificent way
to heal myself.
I feel like I am re-writing my entire life,
from the very beginning.
I also bathed my moms womb in Universal Love. I pictured my hands on her womb, and bathing myself in Love. From previous work, I know my mom felt a lot of panic, a lot of despair, a lot of helplessness, from being pregnant with her fifth child in 8 years.
I give you this Light, mom. May you feel this Love, flooding through your belly,
into you and me,
into that time we were one.
Light the Lamp of Thy Love
I sang this song to my infant self, to every moment of his Life:
In my house with Thine own hands light the lamp of Thy Love
Thy transmuting lamp entrancing, wondrous are its rays.
I can't remember the rest, but it is a powerful, ancient trance about transmuting everything dark within us, into light.
I am really sleeping better
The benefits of doing this are absolutely amazing. I am beginning to really sleep, and have this sense of being safe while I sleep. I don't think I have ever really rested, I mean really rested, free from a sense of danger, or panic, terror. This turbulent storm has always been within me, and I have been good at concealing it. I have been frightened all my life, always afraid of danger around every corner, hypervigilent, worried about someone or something coming to get me.
Because of doing this, I am really, truly, genuinely, beginning to feel safe in my body, which makes me cry tears of relief and joy.
From this ETERNAL NOW MOMENT
hovering above time,
and encompassing all moments of time
in Bliss
I now saturate the first two years of my life
with Pure, Clear, Unconditional Love.
I feel so much Energy, so much Joy
overflowing,
and pouring out of me.
That baby boy, that beautiful baby boy
and me,
Are One.
He is me.
I am him.
The Love I wrap in the first two years of my life
I receive now,
deep
deeper
within me.
This is a profound, awesome, magnificent way
to heal myself.
I feel like I am re-writing my entire life,
from the very beginning.
I also bathed my moms womb in Universal Love. I pictured my hands on her womb, and bathing myself in Love. From previous work, I know my mom felt a lot of panic, a lot of despair, a lot of helplessness, from being pregnant with her fifth child in 8 years.
I give you this Light, mom. May you feel this Love, flooding through your belly,
into you and me,
into that time we were one.
Light the Lamp of Thy Love
I sang this song to my infant self, to every moment of his Life:
In my house with Thine own hands light the lamp of Thy Love
Thy transmuting lamp entrancing, wondrous are its rays.
I can't remember the rest, but it is a powerful, ancient trance about transmuting everything dark within us, into light.
I am really sleeping better
The benefits of doing this are absolutely amazing. I am beginning to really sleep, and have this sense of being safe while I sleep. I don't think I have ever really rested, I mean really rested, free from a sense of danger, or panic, terror. This turbulent storm has always been within me, and I have been good at concealing it. I have been frightened all my life, always afraid of danger around every corner, hypervigilent, worried about someone or something coming to get me.
Because of doing this, I am really, truly, genuinely, beginning to feel safe in my body, which makes me cry tears of relief and joy.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
First two years (day 2) SESSION
I laid in Liam's bed and held my head between my hands and transmitted Universal Love/Energy back into myself in the first two years of life.
I really felt the Energy moving. I felt my hands tingling, and my body felt waves of Love wash over it. I imagined Love flowing the tip of my little head, down to the bottom of my little feet. Totally wrapped in Light.
I wrapped my little body in Light, in Love, in sacred Reiki Symbols... and I called upon the Divine Powers of Yogananda and all the line of Ancient Great Ones for assistance in bathing this boy in Love and Light and Healing Energy.
There are times when I feel myself take him to my safe space, and I feed him a "bottle" filled with Ancient Life Force Energy... this stuff is the ultimate in healing tonics... It is milky and filled with nutrition: It is Life Force itself. It is pure Love. It can heal any wound, wash away the deepest of terrors, and bring deep peace.
All those moments contained in this one
When I place my hands around my head and send Love deep into my past, it is like every moment for those two years are, are contained within this moment of Self-Love. It is a beautiful thing.
This requires me to expand this moment, make it bigger, wider, larger than my whole life, so that the Love sent into NOW, makes its way to, and saturates every moment of my life THEN, with this Transcendent Energy.
When I was finished today, I placed the OM symbol, and the SHANTI Reiki Symbol around my body, on all sides, and up and down, and wrapped him in blankets of Light.
I then held him in my heart.
There were also good moments - many of them
When bad things happen to children, the shock and trauma of that can drown out all the good moments, but in giving my infant self all this Life-Force/Love, I am realizing that there were many good moments as well.
And I saturate them in Love, too.
I really felt the Energy moving. I felt my hands tingling, and my body felt waves of Love wash over it. I imagined Love flowing the tip of my little head, down to the bottom of my little feet. Totally wrapped in Light.
I wrapped my little body in Light, in Love, in sacred Reiki Symbols... and I called upon the Divine Powers of Yogananda and all the line of Ancient Great Ones for assistance in bathing this boy in Love and Light and Healing Energy.
There are times when I feel myself take him to my safe space, and I feed him a "bottle" filled with Ancient Life Force Energy... this stuff is the ultimate in healing tonics... It is milky and filled with nutrition: It is Life Force itself. It is pure Love. It can heal any wound, wash away the deepest of terrors, and bring deep peace.
All those moments contained in this one
When I place my hands around my head and send Love deep into my past, it is like every moment for those two years are, are contained within this moment of Self-Love. It is a beautiful thing.
This requires me to expand this moment, make it bigger, wider, larger than my whole life, so that the Love sent into NOW, makes its way to, and saturates every moment of my life THEN, with this Transcendent Energy.
When I was finished today, I placed the OM symbol, and the SHANTI Reiki Symbol around my body, on all sides, and up and down, and wrapped him in blankets of Light.
I then held him in my heart.
There were also good moments - many of them
When bad things happen to children, the shock and trauma of that can drown out all the good moments, but in giving my infant self all this Life-Force/Love, I am realizing that there were many good moments as well.
And I saturate them in Love, too.
To the infant boy I am (then and now)
Dear my infant self,
I communicate this to you, not through words,
but through feeling and energy and intuition:
It matters less, to me, what happened,
when, how, or by whom,
What matters is that you
feel safe,
Now.
In this eternal moment, what matters,
is that you feel safe
in my arms,
and in the mansion of loving-heart vibrations
I am creating,
for you.
Please let me know,
how I can make you feel
even safer.
I communicate this to you, not through words,
but through feeling and energy and intuition:
It matters less, to me, what happened,
when, how, or by whom,
What matters is that you
feel safe,
Now.
In this eternal moment, what matters,
is that you feel safe
in my arms,
and in the mansion of loving-heart vibrations
I am creating,
for you.
Please let me know,
how I can make you feel
even safer.
First two years of life (Day 2) RESULTS
Yesterday, I started sending Universal Love/Light/Energy into myself in the first two years of my life, from April 21, 1967 through April 21, 1969. The turbulent 60's!
I can truly say this: Universal Life Force Energy, or Unconditional Love, sent back through time, into the infant body, mind, emotions, and self that I was (and am, deep within) really does have an impact.
The Love really is reaching me, surrounding me, cleansing me, healing me, holding me, soaking into me...
I can honestly say that I am feeling real emotional freshness, clarity, and peace.
I am beginning to feel more deeply and fundamentally safe than I ever have in my entire life.
For my whole life, I have had this mortal, cold, deep, penetrating terror and fear within me, and my wife can testify to this, I have always been afraid. Anxiety has always been my constant companion, a dark cloud hanging in my mind, never letting me completely escape.
Well, after about a week of holding my head between my hands, and deliberately and continuously breathing and transmitting Love back in time to myself in my first few years...
I am feeling that cloud break up... I am feeling some rays of the sun peaking through my mind...
It feels like clear energy, freshness, love, feelings of goodness about me, is rising from within me like water coming up a well.
The Love I am sending to, and bathing my infant self with, is rising back up from within me.
Really, really awesome.
What I did yesterday
For about a half-hour, I held my head between my palms, took deep breaths, and sent Love into my infant self. I did this while listening to the 108 Infinite Beingness Questions mixed with really powerful binaural beats. I am feeling so grateful for this process, that I feel very teary.
I always end my session, by doing some alternate EMDR tapping on my body, and going to my safe place. I also go to my safe place when I fall asleep. The more times I "go there" in my mind, the more real it feels.
It almost feels so real, that I could see, touch, taste, smell, and hear myself there. It is really awesome, this ability to go to an imaginary place.
Keeping my heart vibrations high
Now that I am holding, carrying around, and creating a safe place in my heart-vibrations for my infant self to BE, I need to keep those vibrations high. Here is how I do it:
At several times during the day, when I fele frustrated, or stressed, I remind myself that my infant self is in there now, and I then take a deep breath, and as I exhale, I feel the Love in my heart increasing in vibration. I see my heart-chakra spinning at higher rates, and then I see my little boy in there, and wrap him in my inner arms.
I find it extremely awesome, fascinating, and amazing that, even though that often times I was not in a safe place as a small child, I can create a safe place within me for that child NOW. I can create for myself, NOW, what I was not given, THEN.
This makes me smile.
Staying away from trying to drudge up memories or imagine things
There are moments, when I find myself trying to "figure out" what happened to me, or trying to explore memories. And when I do this, I find myself "imagining" what could or may have happened to me. When this happens, I am deliberately stopping myself from doing this. I just move my mind in a different directions, because I don't want to create memories with my imagination.
The truth is this: the stuff that happened, may not ever come up for full conscious awareness, but I do have vague outlines of what happened, and some of it is so scary, that I just don't go there.
I am saving the stuff that has surfaced, the feelings of terror, for my therapist. Most all of it, especially from infant-hood, comes in feelings, not in words, because back then I had no words to describe anything.
I can truly say this: Universal Life Force Energy, or Unconditional Love, sent back through time, into the infant body, mind, emotions, and self that I was (and am, deep within) really does have an impact.
The Love really is reaching me, surrounding me, cleansing me, healing me, holding me, soaking into me...
I can honestly say that I am feeling real emotional freshness, clarity, and peace.
I am beginning to feel more deeply and fundamentally safe than I ever have in my entire life.
For my whole life, I have had this mortal, cold, deep, penetrating terror and fear within me, and my wife can testify to this, I have always been afraid. Anxiety has always been my constant companion, a dark cloud hanging in my mind, never letting me completely escape.
Well, after about a week of holding my head between my hands, and deliberately and continuously breathing and transmitting Love back in time to myself in my first few years...
I am feeling that cloud break up... I am feeling some rays of the sun peaking through my mind...
It feels like clear energy, freshness, love, feelings of goodness about me, is rising from within me like water coming up a well.
The Love I am sending to, and bathing my infant self with, is rising back up from within me.
Really, really awesome.
What I did yesterday
For about a half-hour, I held my head between my palms, took deep breaths, and sent Love into my infant self. I did this while listening to the 108 Infinite Beingness Questions mixed with really powerful binaural beats. I am feeling so grateful for this process, that I feel very teary.
I always end my session, by doing some alternate EMDR tapping on my body, and going to my safe place. I also go to my safe place when I fall asleep. The more times I "go there" in my mind, the more real it feels.
It almost feels so real, that I could see, touch, taste, smell, and hear myself there. It is really awesome, this ability to go to an imaginary place.
Keeping my heart vibrations high
Now that I am holding, carrying around, and creating a safe place in my heart-vibrations for my infant self to BE, I need to keep those vibrations high. Here is how I do it:
At several times during the day, when I fele frustrated, or stressed, I remind myself that my infant self is in there now, and I then take a deep breath, and as I exhale, I feel the Love in my heart increasing in vibration. I see my heart-chakra spinning at higher rates, and then I see my little boy in there, and wrap him in my inner arms.
I find it extremely awesome, fascinating, and amazing that, even though that often times I was not in a safe place as a small child, I can create a safe place within me for that child NOW. I can create for myself, NOW, what I was not given, THEN.
This makes me smile.
Staying away from trying to drudge up memories or imagine things
There are moments, when I find myself trying to "figure out" what happened to me, or trying to explore memories. And when I do this, I find myself "imagining" what could or may have happened to me. When this happens, I am deliberately stopping myself from doing this. I just move my mind in a different directions, because I don't want to create memories with my imagination.
The truth is this: the stuff that happened, may not ever come up for full conscious awareness, but I do have vague outlines of what happened, and some of it is so scary, that I just don't go there.
I am saving the stuff that has surfaced, the feelings of terror, for my therapist. Most all of it, especially from infant-hood, comes in feelings, not in words, because back then I had no words to describe anything.
Monday, March 16, 2009
108 Questions and untouchable joy
Today, I sandwiched my head between my palms, and sent Love into the first year of my life while I listened to the 108 Infinite Beingness Questions...
It really increased the Vibration of my session considerably.
I whispered the questions to that infant boy... and I tell him now, over and over again:
The joy that you are is untouchable by anything happening to you.
It really increased the Vibration of my session considerably.
I whispered the questions to that infant boy... and I tell him now, over and over again:
The joy that you are is untouchable by anything happening to you.
Rule Change
Instead of bathing each year of my life in Universal Love for at least 10 minutes a day, for one week for each year of my life...
I will bathe each year of my life in Universal Love for at least 10 minutes a day, for 3 days for each year of my life...
This way, I can get through 41 years much faster.
And each time I move up a year, I will bathe both years in Universal Love.
For example:
For the last three days, I have been sandwiching my head between both palms of my hands, (or simply cupping my hands and mentally placing myself between my hands) and bathing year 1 of my life (April 21, 1967 through April 21, 1968) in pure Light, Love, and Universal Energy.
Now, for the next three days, starting tomorrow, I will bathe year 1 and year 2 in Universal Energy and Light, with more of a focus on year 2, but definitely bathing myself during that whole block of time in Unconditional Love. Then, for the three days after that, I will bathe the first 3 years of my life in Universal Love. Then the first 4 years, etc.
That way, I incorporate all the love I have given my infant self into the love I am giving my toddler self... and on and on. Always focusing on the new year, but keeping the Love flowing to the whole block of time.
It feels like the years of my life are like rings of a tree. I am sending Love into that tiny little ring of the first few years of life, and expanding out from there.
I will bathe each year of my life in Universal Love for at least 10 minutes a day, for 3 days for each year of my life...
This way, I can get through 41 years much faster.
And each time I move up a year, I will bathe both years in Universal Love.
For example:
For the last three days, I have been sandwiching my head between both palms of my hands, (or simply cupping my hands and mentally placing myself between my hands) and bathing year 1 of my life (April 21, 1967 through April 21, 1968) in pure Light, Love, and Universal Energy.
Now, for the next three days, starting tomorrow, I will bathe year 1 and year 2 in Universal Energy and Light, with more of a focus on year 2, but definitely bathing myself during that whole block of time in Unconditional Love. Then, for the three days after that, I will bathe the first 3 years of my life in Universal Love. Then the first 4 years, etc.
That way, I incorporate all the love I have given my infant self into the love I am giving my toddler self... and on and on. Always focusing on the new year, but keeping the Love flowing to the whole block of time.
It feels like the years of my life are like rings of a tree. I am sending Love into that tiny little ring of the first few years of life, and expanding out from there.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
April 21, 1967 - April 21, 1968 (Day 2)
I am carrying my baby boy around with me now.
This is my 2nd day of transmitting Universal Love/Energy/Light to the baby within me during my first year of life on this planet, and I can honestly say that I feel like I am healing myself from the very core of my being.
There is a "nursery" or an energetic space opened up in my heart. With each breath in, I open it up even further, and with each breath out, I feel Love flooding into that infant boy that I am.
Just like cups, each day from April 67 to April 68 are filled and overflowing with Light. This morning, during my meditation service, I sat and cupped my hands together. Into that space between my hands, I placed that baby boy. And into that space, I flooded Universal Love.
(There are times that I will sandwich my head between my hands, either with each hand on the front and back or with each hand on the sides of my head, and there are other times that I will simply cup my hands together and mentally place myself during that whole year, between my hands)
As I continued to breathe deeply, flooding Universal Love into him in rhythm and harmony with my breath, I felt that space open up inside me, and I truly believe that I am carrying him around with me. Wherever I walk, whatever I do, there is that deeper me who is holding his little boy. Smiling at him. Laughing. Loving him. Giving him attention, love, safety, nourishment.
I feel like I have reached my arms of love back through time through the power of my intention and creative imagination, and I have stolen him away from that environment, and am now holding him inside the eternity of this now moment. This now moment is huge, brilliant, full of love and light, and I am meeting his needs now.
We are not just adopting a baby from Ethiopia
As my wife and I excitedly wonder what our daughter will look like, how hold she will be, and as we wonder when we will be able to get her home, I am realizing a very powerful truth: I am adopting another child as well. Me.
This morning I imagined that Christine and I drove out to Colorado, out to that small red brick house on Constitution Street in our red Toyota Matrix, and walked in and took that baby, placed him inside a car seat, and drove him back to Colorado.
I imagine bringing him home for our children to see. Sky, my Guatemalan prince, is so sweet and good with babies, I see him loving and nurturing and talking sweet to that baby infant boy.
This makes me cry - thinking of Sky and Christine, Sorin and Andrew and Liam, all celebrating that beautiful life. It really makes me cry. These are tears that nourish me.
BUT... as much as others would love him, in truth, I AM THE PARENT NOW. I am consciously, deliberately, and with all the love and devotion - I am parenting that baby boy now. He is in my energy field. I am carrying him around in the ever expanding vibrations of love in my heart. When he cries, I reach into my heart and comfort him. When he needs food/love, I pull him out and feed him with smiles and laughter and the milk of Universal Life-Force Energy/Love.
I have created a paradise for you, my beautiful boy - a paradise built from the vibrations of Love flowing through my Universal Heart, my Transcendent Heart, the Soul of who we are together. And you are my teacher, too. You are showing me how to love, and you are teaching me how to be loved.
blankets and blankets of Light
As I send Energy and Universal Love into my infant self, I imagine myself holding him, and then I wrap that in swirling blankets and blankets of Light, going round and round and round his small body. This is a beautiful image.
Re-parenting and Re-patterning
On an energetic, emotional level, as I re-parent my infant self, it feels like I am also re-patterning some brain cells and brain connections in the process. By stealing my infant self away from the environment he grew up in, I am creating new connections in my brain, even new positive, healthy memories.
I totally believe that it is never too late to start again in giving myself all that I didn't get, and meeting the emotional needs that were not met, and creating a safe environment now for my infant self that I didn't have then.
In the first year of life, I pretty much stayed at my grandmother's house, because my mom was overwhelmed with all the other children, and my grandma agreed to take me. I don't remember much else, except snippets and vague, cloudy memories.
And my time spent at my grandma's house, as I can emotionally intuit, was spent either being totally smothered in love by my grandma, or being horribly violated by my grandfather. Either total love, or total abuse. So it was really confusing for me emotionally, and traumatic, and loving.
So... for the purposes of right now this instant, I choose, as the powerful, positive, loving man that I am... I CHOOSE to create a consistently safe and consistently loving energetic and emotional environment for that infant baby that I am holding in my heart right now.
This is my 2nd day of transmitting Universal Love/Energy/Light to the baby within me during my first year of life on this planet, and I can honestly say that I feel like I am healing myself from the very core of my being.
There is a "nursery" or an energetic space opened up in my heart. With each breath in, I open it up even further, and with each breath out, I feel Love flooding into that infant boy that I am.
Just like cups, each day from April 67 to April 68 are filled and overflowing with Light. This morning, during my meditation service, I sat and cupped my hands together. Into that space between my hands, I placed that baby boy. And into that space, I flooded Universal Love.
(There are times that I will sandwich my head between my hands, either with each hand on the front and back or with each hand on the sides of my head, and there are other times that I will simply cup my hands together and mentally place myself during that whole year, between my hands)
As I continued to breathe deeply, flooding Universal Love into him in rhythm and harmony with my breath, I felt that space open up inside me, and I truly believe that I am carrying him around with me. Wherever I walk, whatever I do, there is that deeper me who is holding his little boy. Smiling at him. Laughing. Loving him. Giving him attention, love, safety, nourishment.
I feel like I have reached my arms of love back through time through the power of my intention and creative imagination, and I have stolen him away from that environment, and am now holding him inside the eternity of this now moment. This now moment is huge, brilliant, full of love and light, and I am meeting his needs now.
We are not just adopting a baby from Ethiopia
As my wife and I excitedly wonder what our daughter will look like, how hold she will be, and as we wonder when we will be able to get her home, I am realizing a very powerful truth: I am adopting another child as well. Me.
This morning I imagined that Christine and I drove out to Colorado, out to that small red brick house on Constitution Street in our red Toyota Matrix, and walked in and took that baby, placed him inside a car seat, and drove him back to Colorado.
I imagine bringing him home for our children to see. Sky, my Guatemalan prince, is so sweet and good with babies, I see him loving and nurturing and talking sweet to that baby infant boy.
This makes me cry - thinking of Sky and Christine, Sorin and Andrew and Liam, all celebrating that beautiful life. It really makes me cry. These are tears that nourish me.
BUT... as much as others would love him, in truth, I AM THE PARENT NOW. I am consciously, deliberately, and with all the love and devotion - I am parenting that baby boy now. He is in my energy field. I am carrying him around in the ever expanding vibrations of love in my heart. When he cries, I reach into my heart and comfort him. When he needs food/love, I pull him out and feed him with smiles and laughter and the milk of Universal Life-Force Energy/Love.
I have created a paradise for you, my beautiful boy - a paradise built from the vibrations of Love flowing through my Universal Heart, my Transcendent Heart, the Soul of who we are together. And you are my teacher, too. You are showing me how to love, and you are teaching me how to be loved.
blankets and blankets of Light
As I send Energy and Universal Love into my infant self, I imagine myself holding him, and then I wrap that in swirling blankets and blankets of Light, going round and round and round his small body. This is a beautiful image.
Re-parenting and Re-patterning
On an energetic, emotional level, as I re-parent my infant self, it feels like I am also re-patterning some brain cells and brain connections in the process. By stealing my infant self away from the environment he grew up in, I am creating new connections in my brain, even new positive, healthy memories.
I totally believe that it is never too late to start again in giving myself all that I didn't get, and meeting the emotional needs that were not met, and creating a safe environment now for my infant self that I didn't have then.
In the first year of life, I pretty much stayed at my grandmother's house, because my mom was overwhelmed with all the other children, and my grandma agreed to take me. I don't remember much else, except snippets and vague, cloudy memories.
And my time spent at my grandma's house, as I can emotionally intuit, was spent either being totally smothered in love by my grandma, or being horribly violated by my grandfather. Either total love, or total abuse. So it was really confusing for me emotionally, and traumatic, and loving.
So... for the purposes of right now this instant, I choose, as the powerful, positive, loving man that I am... I CHOOSE to create a consistently safe and consistently loving energetic and emotional environment for that infant baby that I am holding in my heart right now.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
April 21, 1967 - April 21, 1968 - Year 1 of my life. (Day 1)
Twice today, I have sandwiched my head between my hands, breathed deeply and continuously, and bathed the first year of my life in Love/Energy.
Earlier today, I laid down and placed one palm over my forehead, and the other palm over the back of my head, and I sent Energy through my hands and into the first year of my life, and I did this for 10 minutes. It felt really good, calming, relaxing.
I am doing my best to not dive into the details of what happened to me, because the point of this is to be the witness, and to just send the love, but there will be times when some details come up. Three days ago, what came up was some pretty awful, unspeakable stuff. No conscious, clear details, but a gutteral spewing out of trauma, along with flashes of images that I will never speak, nor do I want to spend any time thinking about because I would then add stuff onto it. And an emotional "knowing" that my grandfather was the one who abused me when I was just a baby. My only purpose is to just send Light, Energy, Love to myself as that little body and mind, and do it unconditionally.
Love is intelligent, sees the whole picture, and is not susceptible to being caught by the hooks of rage and revenge and pain and all the rest. Love can just go into those dark forbidden places of my mind and past, and wrap that beautiful baby in Light. Love does its best work under the cover of darkness, just as much in the light of day.
The other day, I curled up on my office sofa, and was sobbing and crying uncontrollably, asking my spiritual Teacher and Teachers to hold this baby that I was. Then, that night and all the next day, it felt like I was abandoned. I felt nothing. No support. No army coming to my rescue. No white light descending on me. I just felt all alone in my rage and pain. (Then, the next day, thoughts of love and support came my way, along with a new showerhead, a therapist, and laughing at a bad joke, brought me out. Now I have perspective)
Now, I understand why I felt alone. During my first ten minute session of bathing my first year of life in Light, the thought came to me softly on the winds of my conscience:
I can't hold that baby, until you do.
Wow.
By sending Energy into my head for ten minutes, and consciously bathing my first year of life in this Love, I am holding that baby. Unconditionally, I am holding him. He was helpless, completely at the mercy of those who loved him, and those who violated him so horribly. But now, that boy is in my arms.
My arms.
I wrap him in love now, and I have a few things to tell him:
My precious boy, you are not now, nor will you ever be like those that abuse you.
You will never be your abuser, and you will never be imprisoned by the pain of what is happening to you.
You are precious, beautiful, strong, and your soul stands untouched by the pain.
You are safe now. It is okay. You are okay. You can rest now.
It is time to heal.
I am holding the little boy at 2 months of age, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and every moment in between. Now that I am holding him, now that I am loving him, then my Spiritual Teachers can begin to do the same thing.
For each ten minute session, my body, mind, heart, soul, emotions, for the first one year of my life, is filled and overflowing with the healing power of Love.
The rest of the day, I felt pretty good, yet a little agitated. I took my step-son Liam on a long 3 mile walk, which is perfect for keeping my body healthy...
Earlier today, I laid down and placed one palm over my forehead, and the other palm over the back of my head, and I sent Energy through my hands and into the first year of my life, and I did this for 10 minutes. It felt really good, calming, relaxing.
I am doing my best to not dive into the details of what happened to me, because the point of this is to be the witness, and to just send the love, but there will be times when some details come up. Three days ago, what came up was some pretty awful, unspeakable stuff. No conscious, clear details, but a gutteral spewing out of trauma, along with flashes of images that I will never speak, nor do I want to spend any time thinking about because I would then add stuff onto it. And an emotional "knowing" that my grandfather was the one who abused me when I was just a baby. My only purpose is to just send Light, Energy, Love to myself as that little body and mind, and do it unconditionally.
Love is intelligent, sees the whole picture, and is not susceptible to being caught by the hooks of rage and revenge and pain and all the rest. Love can just go into those dark forbidden places of my mind and past, and wrap that beautiful baby in Light. Love does its best work under the cover of darkness, just as much in the light of day.
The other day, I curled up on my office sofa, and was sobbing and crying uncontrollably, asking my spiritual Teacher and Teachers to hold this baby that I was. Then, that night and all the next day, it felt like I was abandoned. I felt nothing. No support. No army coming to my rescue. No white light descending on me. I just felt all alone in my rage and pain. (Then, the next day, thoughts of love and support came my way, along with a new showerhead, a therapist, and laughing at a bad joke, brought me out. Now I have perspective)
Now, I understand why I felt alone. During my first ten minute session of bathing my first year of life in Light, the thought came to me softly on the winds of my conscience:
I can't hold that baby, until you do.
Wow.
By sending Energy into my head for ten minutes, and consciously bathing my first year of life in this Love, I am holding that baby. Unconditionally, I am holding him. He was helpless, completely at the mercy of those who loved him, and those who violated him so horribly. But now, that boy is in my arms.
My arms.
I wrap him in love now, and I have a few things to tell him:
My precious boy, you are not now, nor will you ever be like those that abuse you.
You will never be your abuser, and you will never be imprisoned by the pain of what is happening to you.
You are precious, beautiful, strong, and your soul stands untouched by the pain.
You are safe now. It is okay. You are okay. You can rest now.
It is time to heal.
I am holding the little boy at 2 months of age, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and every moment in between. Now that I am holding him, now that I am loving him, then my Spiritual Teachers can begin to do the same thing.
For each ten minute session, my body, mind, heart, soul, emotions, for the first one year of my life, is filled and overflowing with the healing power of Love.
The rest of the day, I felt pretty good, yet a little agitated. I took my step-son Liam on a long 3 mile walk, which is perfect for keeping my body healthy...
41 weeks of self-healing: Rules of the Road
The rules of the road:
1. First, I will go to my safe place, which is a simple place in nature that I have created in my mind to go to. More about this place later.
2. I will call upon my Spiritual Resources: Teachers that I know and those I don't know, to assist me. I will also ask my higher self to be there.
3. I will proceed to sandwich my head between my two hands, begin the Quantum Touch breathing techniques, and begin to "run Energy/Love" into the one year of my life, beginning with year one: April 21, 1967 through April 21, 1968. My intention is that every breathing second of my life, for that one year, will be filled to overflowing with Light/Love/Energy, on every level of my body, mind, emotions, and spirit. I will do this for 10 minutes at a time. It may seem weird, but when we are talking about Quantum Energy, it really is possible to fill up an entire year of my life with Love in just ten minutes, because the concept of time gets wiped away in the presence of Love.
Look at it this way: Love, Energy, Light, God, Goddess, whatever you call it, flows through THIS MOMENT, THIS ETERNAL NOW MOMENT, and I believe that each ETERNAL NOW MOMENT contains all other moments. So, when I send love into myself NOW with the intention that that Love will flow into an entire year of my life IN THE PAST, then in every moment of that time period, I will be bathed in that Love. Past and future become moldable and changeable when LOVE is flooded into THIS MOMENT!
It is like "time-traveling" to heal myself. The only person who can heal myself, is me.
4. I will do my best to refrain from mentally processing traumatic memories. If something comes up, I will note it, write it down, and then work on it in therapy with my awesome therapist. My whole focus is to send Love into myself, into all traumatic and joyous moments unconditionally. I believe that I don't have to know, or remember, everything that has happened to me, to send Love to those moments and heal myself. If I don't remember, Love knows exactly what happened to me, and will flow where it needs to go to heal. This may be hard not to process stuff, because I will probably be doing a lot of writing about it.
5. After I am done, I will do back to my safe place, and practice the "disappearance meditation." (More on that later, too)
1. First, I will go to my safe place, which is a simple place in nature that I have created in my mind to go to. More about this place later.
2. I will call upon my Spiritual Resources: Teachers that I know and those I don't know, to assist me. I will also ask my higher self to be there.
3. I will proceed to sandwich my head between my two hands, begin the Quantum Touch breathing techniques, and begin to "run Energy/Love" into the one year of my life, beginning with year one: April 21, 1967 through April 21, 1968. My intention is that every breathing second of my life, for that one year, will be filled to overflowing with Light/Love/Energy, on every level of my body, mind, emotions, and spirit. I will do this for 10 minutes at a time. It may seem weird, but when we are talking about Quantum Energy, it really is possible to fill up an entire year of my life with Love in just ten minutes, because the concept of time gets wiped away in the presence of Love.
Look at it this way: Love, Energy, Light, God, Goddess, whatever you call it, flows through THIS MOMENT, THIS ETERNAL NOW MOMENT, and I believe that each ETERNAL NOW MOMENT contains all other moments. So, when I send love into myself NOW with the intention that that Love will flow into an entire year of my life IN THE PAST, then in every moment of that time period, I will be bathed in that Love. Past and future become moldable and changeable when LOVE is flooded into THIS MOMENT!
It is like "time-traveling" to heal myself. The only person who can heal myself, is me.
4. I will do my best to refrain from mentally processing traumatic memories. If something comes up, I will note it, write it down, and then work on it in therapy with my awesome therapist. My whole focus is to send Love into myself, into all traumatic and joyous moments unconditionally. I believe that I don't have to know, or remember, everything that has happened to me, to send Love to those moments and heal myself. If I don't remember, Love knows exactly what happened to me, and will flow where it needs to go to heal. This may be hard not to process stuff, because I will probably be doing a lot of writing about it.
5. After I am done, I will do back to my safe place, and practice the "disappearance meditation." (More on that later, too)
Thoughts on a new, longer challenge
I am having some thoughts on a really long challenge of healing my life, due to the intense stuff that has come up lately.
I believe if we were to be able to sit down with Goddess/God/The Divine, and really asked, "How can I serve You?" the answer would be the same:
Heal yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, realize your Oneness with Me. Be the greatest human being you can be, be the happiest human being you can be, laugh a lot, and give that joy to others. The rest will take care of itself.
If we can love, completely love, and forgive ourselves, then we are healing the world, because on a quantum level, all the world is within us.
SO..... with that said, I have thought of a long-term project for myself, which would involve many aspects....
1. The first major aspect of this is Energy Healing. There are many techniques. It involved "the laying on of hands" back in the day when it was really weird. Now, its called Energy Therapy, Energy Healing, Reiki, Quantum Touch, Therapeutic Touch, and many others. I like to call it Universal Love, and I believe that this Love/Energy is the glue that holds all moments of time together, and all atoms of space together. It is what makes us one. I believe that this Love/Energy is not subject to the typical laws of time and space, meaning this Energy can go to any moment, any person, any place, and go there right now, simply by bringing our breath, our imagination, and our loving intention together.
So what I am considering, is bathing every year of my life in this Energy - sending it back to me as a young baby, a growing boy, and a teen, young adult, and upward to today, because I really need this badly. I have done a lot of healing in my life, and I have a lot more to do, obviously.
Here is how I propose to do this: Each week, I will work on one year of my life. For ten minutes at a time, I will *sandwich* my head between both palms of my hands, and practice the techniques of Reiki and Quantum Touch to "fill up" ever breathing moment of that one year of my life with Unconditional Love, Light, and Energy. I totally believe that my whole body and mind, in every moment, for an entire year, can be filled up with Energy/Love in just ten minutes.
It is like that one year is a container, or a cup, and for ten minutes at a time, I am time traveling and sending, or filling, that cup with Love/Energy.
The next day, for ten minutes, I fill up that cup with Love again.
I do this every day for a week. Each week, I work on one year.
So it would take me 41 weeks to do this, since I am 41. This will probably end of being a book.
2. I keep the focus on spiritual transcendence. Asking and reflecting the 108 Questions into my mind every day, and really trying to tap into my Soul, that expanded Self who is witnessing everything. Actually, filling up one year of my life, for ten minutes at a time, for a week at a time, will actually help me know that I am That which has never been affected by anything that happened to me. So every day, I will continue to watch the 108 Infinite Beingness Slideshow, and listen to the 108 Infinite Beingness Questions.
Anyone reading, who wants the audios, let me know and I will upload them to my website, so you can download them.
3. Nutritional health. I can't pork out like a snorkler all the time, because the heavy food will weigh me down emotionally and energetically. I have to stay on a healthy path of exercise and light eating.
4. Therapy. This one will be harder, because of the expense involved, but I will get as much therapy as possible, from someone who is incredibly effective at helping me rapidly collapse issues without spending a fortune doing it. Her goal is to get to the root of the issue, and collapse issues, and not on raking me over the coals financially.
5. All for the purpose of being of more complete service to the Goddess/The Divine, my family, and others...
The major modality I will use is Quantum Touch. Quantum Touch is a method of using our breath to sweep and concentrate Life Force Energy, or Love, into ourselves or other people for incredibly healing benefit. I really love it.
If anyone reading this wants to learn more: http://www.quantumtouch.com. OR.... better yet... send me an email at danielpeebles@gmail.com and I will mail you my copy of the book to read. It is a really simple, easy to read book, and it lays out the way to do it.
I will also use Reiki, because that is my foundational training. I love Reiki. It is beautiful. More specifically, I will use Karuna Reiki.
I believe if we were to be able to sit down with Goddess/God/The Divine, and really asked, "How can I serve You?" the answer would be the same:
Heal yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, realize your Oneness with Me. Be the greatest human being you can be, be the happiest human being you can be, laugh a lot, and give that joy to others. The rest will take care of itself.
If we can love, completely love, and forgive ourselves, then we are healing the world, because on a quantum level, all the world is within us.
SO..... with that said, I have thought of a long-term project for myself, which would involve many aspects....
1. The first major aspect of this is Energy Healing. There are many techniques. It involved "the laying on of hands" back in the day when it was really weird. Now, its called Energy Therapy, Energy Healing, Reiki, Quantum Touch, Therapeutic Touch, and many others. I like to call it Universal Love, and I believe that this Love/Energy is the glue that holds all moments of time together, and all atoms of space together. It is what makes us one. I believe that this Love/Energy is not subject to the typical laws of time and space, meaning this Energy can go to any moment, any person, any place, and go there right now, simply by bringing our breath, our imagination, and our loving intention together.
So what I am considering, is bathing every year of my life in this Energy - sending it back to me as a young baby, a growing boy, and a teen, young adult, and upward to today, because I really need this badly. I have done a lot of healing in my life, and I have a lot more to do, obviously.
Here is how I propose to do this: Each week, I will work on one year of my life. For ten minutes at a time, I will *sandwich* my head between both palms of my hands, and practice the techniques of Reiki and Quantum Touch to "fill up" ever breathing moment of that one year of my life with Unconditional Love, Light, and Energy. I totally believe that my whole body and mind, in every moment, for an entire year, can be filled up with Energy/Love in just ten minutes.
It is like that one year is a container, or a cup, and for ten minutes at a time, I am time traveling and sending, or filling, that cup with Love/Energy.
The next day, for ten minutes, I fill up that cup with Love again.
I do this every day for a week. Each week, I work on one year.
So it would take me 41 weeks to do this, since I am 41. This will probably end of being a book.
2. I keep the focus on spiritual transcendence. Asking and reflecting the 108 Questions into my mind every day, and really trying to tap into my Soul, that expanded Self who is witnessing everything. Actually, filling up one year of my life, for ten minutes at a time, for a week at a time, will actually help me know that I am That which has never been affected by anything that happened to me. So every day, I will continue to watch the 108 Infinite Beingness Slideshow, and listen to the 108 Infinite Beingness Questions.
Anyone reading, who wants the audios, let me know and I will upload them to my website, so you can download them.
3. Nutritional health. I can't pork out like a snorkler all the time, because the heavy food will weigh me down emotionally and energetically. I have to stay on a healthy path of exercise and light eating.
4. Therapy. This one will be harder, because of the expense involved, but I will get as much therapy as possible, from someone who is incredibly effective at helping me rapidly collapse issues without spending a fortune doing it. Her goal is to get to the root of the issue, and collapse issues, and not on raking me over the coals financially.
5. All for the purpose of being of more complete service to the Goddess/The Divine, my family, and others...
The major modality I will use is Quantum Touch. Quantum Touch is a method of using our breath to sweep and concentrate Life Force Energy, or Love, into ourselves or other people for incredibly healing benefit. I really love it.
If anyone reading this wants to learn more: http://www.quantumtouch.com. OR.... better yet... send me an email at danielpeebles@gmail.com and I will mail you my copy of the book to read. It is a really simple, easy to read book, and it lays out the way to do it.
I will also use Reiki, because that is my foundational training. I love Reiki. It is beautiful. More specifically, I will use Karuna Reiki.
A good therapist, a good shower, and a BAD JOKE.
Three things turned me around yesterday.
1. A good shower. I bought our family a new shower head because our old one was getting clogged, and for the first time in YEARS, I had a strong, powerful shower. Wow. It has been so long since I had a really great shower.2. A good therapist. I saw a really fantastic therapist yesterday, did some EMDR, which really made a big difference. I collapsed a small chunk of the pain/rage through this amazing therapy.
3. Then I wrote a really bad joke to a friend on facebook, which really made me feel better. I thought about posting it, but I decided against it, because it REALLY IS AN AWFUL JOKE. The fact that it is an awful joke, for some twisted reason, makes me laugh.
and laughter is really good medicine.
Maybe I should so a laughter challenge?
Friday, March 13, 2009
completely lost
After my last post, I have had severe, heavy, awful, unspeakable traumas and memories come up in me about being sexually abused as a child.
One day I am going along feeling great, trying to open, expand, and empty my being more and more in service to a Great Cause of awakening,
And the next day I am deep in a pile of muck so smelly that I can't find my way out.
The cries to the Goddess, to my spiritual Teachers, to my soul, come back to me in haunted echoes of aloneness.
I am walking through mine-fields of memories: just under the surface enough to elude me, and just high enough into consciousness to torture me. I may never know what happened to me, which makes me feel, at the moment at least, like I will always be tortured by them.
Two days ago, I was doing some energy work on myself and going through a mental process to heal and release old trauma, and a big nasty gross icky blast of ugly feelings came gushing out of me. I thought I got it all out, and I could move on, but now I feel stuck.... trapped, alone...
Like I am driving down a dark and gray road... my car is breaking down, I can see smoke coming out of the hood, and I don't know how far my car can go, and...
it breaks down.
I get out and walk, and walk, and walk. Nothing, in all directions, nothing. Except a shack, an old, torn down shack. Could there be someone living in it? I get closer.
And closer.
There is an old, ugly, disgusting man on the porch. I ask him, "How do I get back to Bliss?"
He laughs. That shrieking, high pitched laugh that feels like a cold wind blowing through my bones.
"You can't get there from here."
So I try to walk away from him, I tell myself to walk faster, run!
I run!...
I keep running, keep smiling, keep pretending that this isn't real, keep up the facade, make everyone in my life believe that I don't feel so much despair, I tell myself to get away, away from him, faster...
But I look down, and I am on a treadmill, going nowhere... He keeps laughing. I call out to forces higher than myself... I hear no reply, feel no comfort, no aid, no army coming to rescue me. I am all alone. Fucked. Nothing I can do but sit and watch the movie of my own annihilation...
Two question for myself:
Who is watching this movie in my mind?
May I please wake up now?
One day I am going along feeling great, trying to open, expand, and empty my being more and more in service to a Great Cause of awakening,
And the next day I am deep in a pile of muck so smelly that I can't find my way out.
The cries to the Goddess, to my spiritual Teachers, to my soul, come back to me in haunted echoes of aloneness.
I am walking through mine-fields of memories: just under the surface enough to elude me, and just high enough into consciousness to torture me. I may never know what happened to me, which makes me feel, at the moment at least, like I will always be tortured by them.
Two days ago, I was doing some energy work on myself and going through a mental process to heal and release old trauma, and a big nasty gross icky blast of ugly feelings came gushing out of me. I thought I got it all out, and I could move on, but now I feel stuck.... trapped, alone...
Like I am driving down a dark and gray road... my car is breaking down, I can see smoke coming out of the hood, and I don't know how far my car can go, and...
it breaks down.
I get out and walk, and walk, and walk. Nothing, in all directions, nothing. Except a shack, an old, torn down shack. Could there be someone living in it? I get closer.
And closer.
There is an old, ugly, disgusting man on the porch. I ask him, "How do I get back to Bliss?"
He laughs. That shrieking, high pitched laugh that feels like a cold wind blowing through my bones.
"You can't get there from here."
So I try to walk away from him, I tell myself to walk faster, run!
I run!...
I keep running, keep smiling, keep pretending that this isn't real, keep up the facade, make everyone in my life believe that I don't feel so much despair, I tell myself to get away, away from him, faster...
But I look down, and I am on a treadmill, going nowhere... He keeps laughing. I call out to forces higher than myself... I hear no reply, feel no comfort, no aid, no army coming to rescue me. I am all alone. Fucked. Nothing I can do but sit and watch the movie of my own annihilation...
Two question for myself:
Who is watching this movie in my mind?
May I please wake up now?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Goddess - this is all about You
To the Goddess...
Durga, Kali, Diana...
Hecate, Isis, Ma...
The Divine Mother, The Holy Mistress...
She who goes by more names than can be possibly imagined...
I devote myself and this blog to You... the Divine Mother known by all Great Masters of All Great Religions, from Paramahansa Yogananda to Babaji of the Himalayas...
That Goddess... the One in my breath and beating heart...
the One in the wind caressing my face and in the food that I eat...
the One in my tears and the One dancing in my laughter...
the One in the eyes of Christine and in the smile of my children...
That Goddess... You... I completely surrender to You, Oh Great Goddess hiding behind the atoms of this Universe, Your Smile so sublime that the Joy would shatter my body into a million fragments of Bliss....
Although I wake up in the morning, and seem to possess this body,
I do not,
for this body came from You, lives in You, belongs to You, and will empty back into You.
Although it appears that I think and act on my own,
I do not,
for may all my thoughts and all my actions be a service to you.
Let not one word be uttered from these lips, Dear Goddess, lest they be of service to the awakening of your All-Consuming Love.
Let not one thought cross this mind, lest these thoughts be an offering to the awakening of your All-Consuming BLISS...
Please,
possess my thoughts, pure sublime, divine Goddess of All Time, All Space....
Please,
empty my mind, dear Goddess, and hold and and direct my thoughts to greater and more absolute service and devotion
to You.
Please,
think through this mind thoughts of Bliss and Grace and Service...
Although it appears that I make decisions,
I do not,
for I empty my being and allow You to act through me with the Universal Fingers of your Grace...
Although from all outward appearances it seems that I make money,
I do not,
for let me always know that all money that comes to me, comes directly from You...
Please, Dear Goddess,
remind me with the power of a hundred thousand thunder storms,
that You are She who provides..
And even though it would seem that I own money,
I do not,
for let me be penniless before You.
Let me own nothing, and let me simply smile and bless the money or abundance that comes through me,
and let me immediately give it back to You,
to do Your Work,
to awaken Your Love,
to provide service and victory to You - the Supreme Lover and Mother of all.
All comes from You, Dear Goddess. Let my inner hands remain off of everything that passes through me.
Please, on my knees, I beg for the privilege of being naked and penniless before You,
receiving all from You,
and giving all immediately back to You...
Let me just serve You... and that is it.
Although it appears that I am a parent and that I control my beautiful children,
I do not,
for these beings belong to You, are guided by You, nurtured by You, so please let me allow You to raise them through me.
Divine Goddess of times past, present, and future...
I am nothing,
and You are everything...
Let me chant the holy Name of Om every day as a call to You,
thousands and thousands of times,
for it is You that I cry for,
sleep for,
wake for,
work for,
live for,
laugh for, and
die for.
Let me ask these questions of Infinite Beingness, only so that I may surrender
more powerfully to Your Power, Love, and Grace,
and submit,
more purely to Your Direction...
Let me look at this body and see nothing...
nothing at all... put the purest Light, Energy, and Love
as I empty myself into You.
Take me, Divine Goddess.
Hold me.
Possess me.
Rule me.
Love me.
Carry me.
Let me completely empty myself in Service, to You.
In the nothing that I choose to be before You,
may You and only You,
show me who I am.
You, Divine Goddess.
You.
Durga, Kali, Diana...
Hecate, Isis, Ma...
The Divine Mother, The Holy Mistress...
She who goes by more names than can be possibly imagined...
I devote myself and this blog to You... the Divine Mother known by all Great Masters of All Great Religions, from Paramahansa Yogananda to Babaji of the Himalayas...
That Goddess... the One in my breath and beating heart...
the One in the wind caressing my face and in the food that I eat...
the One in my tears and the One dancing in my laughter...
the One in the eyes of Christine and in the smile of my children...
That Goddess... You... I completely surrender to You, Oh Great Goddess hiding behind the atoms of this Universe, Your Smile so sublime that the Joy would shatter my body into a million fragments of Bliss....
Although I wake up in the morning, and seem to possess this body,
I do not,
for this body came from You, lives in You, belongs to You, and will empty back into You.
Although it appears that I think and act on my own,
I do not,
for may all my thoughts and all my actions be a service to you.
Let not one word be uttered from these lips, Dear Goddess, lest they be of service to the awakening of your All-Consuming Love.
Let not one thought cross this mind, lest these thoughts be an offering to the awakening of your All-Consuming BLISS...
Please,
possess my thoughts, pure sublime, divine Goddess of All Time, All Space....
Please,
empty my mind, dear Goddess, and hold and and direct my thoughts to greater and more absolute service and devotion
to You.
Please,
think through this mind thoughts of Bliss and Grace and Service...
Although it appears that I make decisions,
I do not,
for I empty my being and allow You to act through me with the Universal Fingers of your Grace...
Although from all outward appearances it seems that I make money,
I do not,
for let me always know that all money that comes to me, comes directly from You...
Please, Dear Goddess,
remind me with the power of a hundred thousand thunder storms,
that You are She who provides..
And even though it would seem that I own money,
I do not,
for let me be penniless before You.
Let me own nothing, and let me simply smile and bless the money or abundance that comes through me,
and let me immediately give it back to You,
to do Your Work,
to awaken Your Love,
to provide service and victory to You - the Supreme Lover and Mother of all.
All comes from You, Dear Goddess. Let my inner hands remain off of everything that passes through me.
Please, on my knees, I beg for the privilege of being naked and penniless before You,
receiving all from You,
and giving all immediately back to You...
Let me just serve You... and that is it.
Although it appears that I am a parent and that I control my beautiful children,
I do not,
for these beings belong to You, are guided by You, nurtured by You, so please let me allow You to raise them through me.
Divine Goddess of times past, present, and future...
I am nothing,
and You are everything...
Let me chant the holy Name of Om every day as a call to You,
thousands and thousands of times,
for it is You that I cry for,
sleep for,
wake for,
work for,
live for,
laugh for, and
die for.
Let me ask these questions of Infinite Beingness, only so that I may surrender
more powerfully to Your Power, Love, and Grace,
and submit,
more purely to Your Direction...
Let me look at this body and see nothing...
nothing at all... put the purest Light, Energy, and Love
as I empty myself into You.
Take me, Divine Goddess.
Hold me.
Possess me.
Rule me.
Love me.
Carry me.
Let me completely empty myself in Service, to You.
In the nothing that I choose to be before You,
may You and only You,
show me who I am.
You, Divine Goddess.
You.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Speaking
Speaking. The act of words coming out of my mouth as sound. Today, I am practicing silence much more, and only speaking if my words will serve the Goddess/Divine Love/Light/Joy/Bliss in this house, or if I am directly spoken to, and then my answers will be short and simple.
I have noticed that talking can be very compulsive for me. There are so many times that I talk, just to talk, when really there is no purpose to my words. I am realizing what a compulsive habit it is.
I want to bring more silence into this house, because there is enough noise.
I want to be a carrier of silence, and in that silence, may the energy of service be conveyed, the energy of love, devotion, self-sacrifice, giving, surrendering, yielding, letting-go, offering, work, smiles, peace....
I can totally feel that my role in this house, in my marriage, in my world, and how I view myself is completely changing... and I really enjoy that.
Since I am in the middle of this transformation... I don't see the whole thing very clearly yet.
I have noticed that talking can be very compulsive for me. There are so many times that I talk, just to talk, when really there is no purpose to my words. I am realizing what a compulsive habit it is.
I want to bring more silence into this house, because there is enough noise.
I want to be a carrier of silence, and in that silence, may the energy of service be conveyed, the energy of love, devotion, self-sacrifice, giving, surrendering, yielding, letting-go, offering, work, smiles, peace....
I can totally feel that my role in this house, in my marriage, in my world, and how I view myself is completely changing... and I really enjoy that.
Since I am in the middle of this transformation... I don't see the whole thing very clearly yet.
Goddess
The Goddess....
The Divine Feminine...
The Shakti...
Kali...
Durga...
Diana...
Lakshmi...
She who goes by a million names... I have always been in love with Her... and I am feeling a strong pull, a powerful wave of deep spiritual desire to know the Divine as She, as Her...
The awakening of the Nurturing, Loving, Balancing, Giving Force of the Universe, inherent in Nature and in all Beings.
God as Her.... The Goddess...
I will be talking a lot about Her from now on.
The blog is going to change
This blog is going to change into something completely different, because I am changing so much.
Changing so much, it really scares me at times.
Changing so much, it really scares me at times.
The greatest act of self-love
I am realizing that the greatest act of self-love, for me, is to lose myself completely.
Why awaken?
I have really been examining this question a lot lately.
What is the point of asking all these questions? Of doing all this "Oming?" Why awaken? Why do I wish to realize my Infinite Beingness?
Now it is time to tell on myself.
Now that I am in to month three of asking these questions and saturating them into my consciousness, I realize that a huge motivating factor is "ego gratification." A part of me wants other people to look at me and say...
"WOW, look at him, he woke up to his Infinite Beingness, what a great guy he is."
And that part of me would then coo and smile and feel really good.
I realize that so much of spiritual endeavors are hijacked by the ego. So, one major lesson I am learning, is that I am not awakening for myself, but for the opportunity to be of complete service.
This is not about me, God, this is not at all about me. It is about losing myself in service to a Greater Cause.
What is the point of asking all these questions? Of doing all this "Oming?" Why awaken? Why do I wish to realize my Infinite Beingness?
Now it is time to tell on myself.
Now that I am in to month three of asking these questions and saturating them into my consciousness, I realize that a huge motivating factor is "ego gratification." A part of me wants other people to look at me and say...
"WOW, look at him, he woke up to his Infinite Beingness, what a great guy he is."
And that part of me would then coo and smile and feel really good.
I realize that so much of spiritual endeavors are hijacked by the ego. So, one major lesson I am learning, is that I am not awakening for myself, but for the opportunity to be of complete service.
This is not about me, God, this is not at all about me. It is about losing myself in service to a Greater Cause.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Service - its not about me - major earthquake shift
I am in the midst of my first major "earthquake, tectonic plate" shift in my consciousness regarding my spiritual growth. After listening and repeating and reflecting these questions every day in some form or another for all of 2009 so far, I am now deeply getting something.
It is not about me at all.
I am realizing that a major lesson I am learning in this lifetime is SERVICE: Karma Yoga.
I am realizing that I am the happiest when I totally keep the focus off of me completely. It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me. Such beautiful, soul-liberating words, words that was through me like water down a waterfall.
I have been doing a lot of private journaling, sharing thoughts with the Universe only, because most of these thoughts are very private. I am finding that sharing thoughts and feelings with myself, keeping them private, and then acting on them, is much more powerful and transformative than sharing and broadcasting them with others immediately, just to get an ego stroke or two.
I have been working on training my mind to lose myself.
It is not about me at all.
I am realizing that a major lesson I am learning in this lifetime is SERVICE: Karma Yoga.
I am realizing that I am the happiest when I totally keep the focus off of me completely. It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me. Such beautiful, soul-liberating words, words that was through me like water down a waterfall.
I have been doing a lot of private journaling, sharing thoughts with the Universe only, because most of these thoughts are very private. I am finding that sharing thoughts and feelings with myself, keeping them private, and then acting on them, is much more powerful and transformative than sharing and broadcasting them with others immediately, just to get an ego stroke or two.
I have been working on training my mind to lose myself.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
exhausted but thrilled
I am exhausted to the point of my body feeling like it turned into a block of iron, and really thrilled that our hard work in driving to our capital to authenticate documents, and then driving the other direction to authenticate more documents, had finally paid off. Our stack of documents is officially on its way to our adoption agency! Yippee!
crawling back with a smile
I am crawling back to my blog tonight, feeling like a total transformation of my internal focus has and is taking place. The last challenge got completely derailed before it could even get off the ground. Back pain. Chest cold. More back pain. Chiropractors. Doctors. X-rays. Head cold. Can't breathe out of my nose. Bla. Bla. Bla.
A part of me feels really defeated, like I set this huge challenge, and then flitted away. Another, larger part of myself is swimming down these other currents that feel really joyous and glorious and wonderful.
One thing I keep doing, and that is asking myself the 108 Infinite Beingness Questions, which keeps leading me deeper and deeper into regions and areas of my self that I did not know existed. Deep and weird (in the eyes of some) and joyous and wonderful.
A part of me feels really defeated, like I set this huge challenge, and then flitted away. Another, larger part of myself is swimming down these other currents that feel really joyous and glorious and wonderful.
One thing I keep doing, and that is asking myself the 108 Infinite Beingness Questions, which keeps leading me deeper and deeper into regions and areas of my self that I did not know existed. Deep and weird (in the eyes of some) and joyous and wonderful.
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