After my last post, I have had severe, heavy, awful, unspeakable traumas and memories come up in me about being sexually abused as a child.
One day I am going along feeling great, trying to open, expand, and empty my being more and more in service to a Great Cause of awakening,
And the next day I am deep in a pile of muck so smelly that I can't find my way out.
The cries to the Goddess, to my spiritual Teachers, to my soul, come back to me in haunted echoes of aloneness.
I am walking through mine-fields of memories: just under the surface enough to elude me, and just high enough into consciousness to torture me. I may never know what happened to me, which makes me feel, at the moment at least, like I will always be tortured by them.
Two days ago, I was doing some energy work on myself and going through a mental process to heal and release old trauma, and a big nasty gross icky blast of ugly feelings came gushing out of me. I thought I got it all out, and I could move on, but now I feel stuck.... trapped, alone...
Like I am driving down a dark and gray road... my car is breaking down, I can see smoke coming out of the hood, and I don't know how far my car can go, and...
it breaks down.
I get out and walk, and walk, and walk. Nothing, in all directions, nothing. Except a shack, an old, torn down shack. Could there be someone living in it? I get closer.
And closer.
There is an old, ugly, disgusting man on the porch. I ask him, "How do I get back to Bliss?"
He laughs. That shrieking, high pitched laugh that feels like a cold wind blowing through my bones.
"You can't get there from here."
So I try to walk away from him, I tell myself to walk faster, run!
I run!...
I keep running, keep smiling, keep pretending that this isn't real, keep up the facade, make everyone in my life believe that I don't feel so much despair, I tell myself to get away, away from him, faster...
But I look down, and I am on a treadmill, going nowhere... He keeps laughing. I call out to forces higher than myself... I hear no reply, feel no comfort, no aid, no army coming to rescue me. I am all alone. Fucked. Nothing I can do but sit and watch the movie of my own annihilation...
Two question for myself:
Who is watching this movie in my mind?
May I please wake up now?
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2 comments:
My heart goes out to you, Daniel... You have been an inspiration to me in many ways since I started following your blog. I have been moved to make commitments to better my overall health, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You helped me to do that. And it isn't just because of your own commitments, but because you have been so honest in sharing your very human struggles, your ups and downs, and all that comes with them. I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate that, and that I love you!
-- Stephanie
I have been witnessing you as this all flooded out in the last three days, and you're handling yourself beautifully. Instead of retreating to food or masking it you're facing it head on and I respect you so much for it. We suddenly found an excellent therapist for a reason, and with your resolve there is so much hope here. This has been with you for years, and with Amelie coming we're both doing a lot of inner transformation. She must be an amazing little soul (just like her Daddy).
Love & Lurve
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