April 21, 1967 - April 21, 1968 - Year 1 of my life. (Day 1)

Twice today, I have sandwiched my head between my hands, breathed deeply and continuously, and bathed the first year of my life in Love/Energy.

Earlier today, I laid down and placed one palm over my forehead, and the other palm over the back of my head, and I sent Energy through my hands and into the first year of my life, and I did this for 10 minutes. It felt really good, calming, relaxing.

I am doing my best to not dive into the details of what happened to me, because the point of this is to be the witness, and to just send the love, but there will be times when some details come up. Three days ago, what came up was some pretty awful, unspeakable stuff. No conscious, clear details, but a gutteral spewing out of trauma, along with flashes of images that I will never speak, nor do I want to spend any time thinking about because I would then add stuff onto it. And an emotional "knowing" that my grandfather was the one who abused me when I was just a baby. My only purpose is to just send Light, Energy, Love to myself as that little body and mind, and do it unconditionally.

Love is intelligent, sees the whole picture, and is not susceptible to being caught by the hooks of rage and revenge and pain and all the rest. Love can just go into those dark forbidden places of my mind and past, and wrap that beautiful baby in Light. Love does its best work under the cover of darkness, just as much in the light of day.

The other day, I curled up on my office sofa, and was sobbing and crying uncontrollably, asking my spiritual Teacher and Teachers to hold this baby that I was. Then, that night and all the next day, it felt like I was abandoned. I felt nothing. No support. No army coming to my rescue. No white light descending on me. I just felt all alone in my rage and pain. (Then, the next day, thoughts of love and support came my way, along with a new showerhead, a therapist, and laughing at a bad joke, brought me out. Now I have perspective)

Now, I understand why I felt alone. During my first ten minute session of bathing my first year of life in Light, the thought came to me softly on the winds of my conscience:

I can't hold that baby, until you do.

Wow.

By sending Energy into my head for ten minutes, and consciously bathing my first year of life in this Love, I am holding that baby. Unconditionally, I am holding him. He was helpless, completely at the mercy of those who loved him, and those who violated him so horribly. But now, that boy is in my arms.

My arms.

I wrap him in love now, and I have a few things to tell him:

My precious boy, you are not now, nor will you ever be like those that abuse you.
You will never be your abuser, and you will never be imprisoned by the pain of what is happening to you.

You are precious, beautiful, strong, and your soul stands untouched by the pain.

You are safe now. It is okay. You are okay. You can rest now.

It is time to heal.



I am holding the little boy at 2 months of age, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and every moment in between. Now that I am holding him, now that I am loving him, then my Spiritual Teachers can begin to do the same thing.

For each ten minute session, my body, mind, heart, soul, emotions, for the first one year of my life, is filled and overflowing with the healing power of Love.

The rest of the day, I felt pretty good, yet a little agitated. I took my step-son Liam on a long 3 mile walk, which is perfect for keeping my body healthy...