Day 22 - tattling on myself

With 21 consecutive days of channeling Love for 12 minutes a day "under my belt" it is starting to freak me out just a little. I am beginning to feel like my cells are boiling, cooking, roasting in this Energy. I feel like I am being stretched in frightening and incredibly joyous ways.

I also realize that I need to be more vulnerable and open about my own process. I don't want to give the impression that "all is bliss and nirvana" and I have no more problems and I am happy all the time. That is totally not the case. I can say that the happiness and clear joy I am experiencing is absolutely wonderful - beyond words - and I am thrilled about it. However, there is still all my stuff that I want to lay out there, mainly for myself, because I want to be able to look back on this blog later and see and feel how much I have grown.

Right now, if feels like I am in a familiar place, where, when greeting the Light, I have a choice: Do I shrink or expand? A part of me is afraid of this Light, this Love, this Magnificence, and wants to crawl back into the dark cave of my thoughts and rest. The dark cave is my belief that I am a small, limited bag of skin and bones. The Light is the awareness that I am an Infinite Being of Joy, Love, and Light. Every moment, it is my choice to expand.

So here are some things about me I don't want to share:

Behind me is a graveyard of grand projects and books that I started, but never followed through on. Some are books half-begun. Others are books completed, but then shelved.

Ouch. That one hurt. I have a pattern of beginning something, coming up with big ideas, going strong, and then getting tired of them after a short period of time. Then comes the door. A part of me slams a door on that past project and I don't want to have anything to do with it AT ALL. It's like I have a trashcan in my mind, and I just toss out that project.

In all fairness, some things evolve, while others, are trashed. Like ULFEE, for instance. It started out as The Heart-Based Network, and the more I worked with it, tinkered, thought, and looked deeper, it evolved over a three year period of time to become the ULFEE. But there are many, many projects that I have worked for months and months on - only to reach a time in the future when I toss it.

Is this another project that I will toss away? With all the strength of my soul, I pray not. I ask the Divine in me for the dynamic power of will to see this idea through to completion.

Making this a 12 year commitment, I believe, is my attempt to remedy that. To stick to it.


I am deathly afraid of talking to other people - deathly afraid of criticism from others.


The idea of talking to a group of people about ULFEE is extremely frightening. My brain completely freezes. My biggest fear is someone getting this book and then saying something negative about it, criticising me. So, one intention is for this fear of criticism to be transformed. I need to push my boundaries, push my comfort zone, and go where I have never gone before.

Right now, I am just witnessing this fear and letting it be. Maybe that is one reason why I toss projects into the trashcan of my mind, because I am afraid of people hating it or thinking it is weird. This energy block is above my heart and below my throat.


I couldn't market my way out of a brown paper bag


One of my biggest weaknesses, is marketing myself. I think a lot of people have that problem. I know I do. I am good at creating big ideas, books, and projects - but when it comes to actually explaining it to people in ways that are attractive - again - on comes brain freeze. It all comes back to my fear. I deliberately intend to wrap this fear in Love - and allow it to be transmuted into Love.


I have a lot of unresolved trauma


I have been working through a lot of trauma in my last blog and this year I have released and worked through a lot. I will continue to heal and grow as this 12 year commitment unfolds.


I am holding onto an extra 15 pounds on my body


I have been struggling with dropping this excess weight for years now, and it seems to be a merry-go-round. I guess I can welcome myself to the human race. I know I am not unique in this struggle. My weight is connected with my old unresolved traumas that my body is holding onto.

Back pain


Although I have been feeling good for over a month, I do have reoccuring lower back pain that comes back. To me, this almost feels like a response to Love. As I am feeling really, really good, the traumatized part of myself says "Not so fast..."


Okay, that was just a few. I am going to try and be more open, vulnerable, and transparent so that I can more easily chronicle how this 12 minutes a day is transforming and transmuting all these issues. With all my challenges, I am more blessed than I could ever have previously imagined. There were many days, back in the 80's that I felt that I could not make it through a single day without drinking or using drugs. I was completely hopeless. Those days are never lost to me. Now, it is 22 years later: I am married to a beautiful woman, I have two amazing children from Christine's previous marriage, and two incredible boys that we adopted internationally, and another on the way! Looking back 22 years, and then looking down at my feet where I am now - fills me with gratitude!