All days can't be great. Yesterday, I did a piece of legal work that normally I wouldn't feel bad at all about. But this time, I feel like crap. My stomach is turning, and it just doesn't feel good to me. I am pretty sure that my diet and my fire breathing is bringing up old emotions stored in my body, in my belly, in my consciousness. They are coming up to be released, so that I can live a more clear, authentic life.
I just have to tell myself this: I am not what I do. I am not a lawyer. I am a divine, spiritual, infinite being, who happens to be wearing the mask of a lawyer to get money and support my family. I am not what I do. I don't want to identify with being a lawyer.
Yes, there are parts of it that I like. The flexible schedules. The easy money. The variety of being able to move around from place to place and not be trapped in a cublicle. Meeting different people.
And yes, there are parts I don't like. The deep feeling of unease and nervousness that comes from worrying about messing up a case and getting sued. Dealing with people who are really low, depressed, and refuse to be responsible for their lives. Representing people that I would like to see behind bars forever. Feeling like I have to separate my values from my work.
Last night and today, I am feeling really crumby about being a lawyer. It all stems from feeling like I "sold out" when I got out of law school, and carrying that thought around with me all of these years. Juicing, and asking all these blasted questions all the time, has brought up these old feelings.
I am not a sell out.
Yes you are.
No I am not.
Yes you are. You gave up on living your dreams so you could be a stinking attorney swimming around like a gutter shark.
I did not. Being a lawyer has brought me profound blessings, including an amazing, diverse, world family, and the ability to do all kinds of personal growth things that I normally would never have been able to afford.
Can't you have all that without being a lawyer?
I wouldn't be where I am, with my wife, my children, my personal growth, my spiritual life, all the creative stuff I have done. There is no more inherent virtue in being a waiter than there is in being a lawyer. Plus, I have tried (and I will continue to try) to create more books and more audios to hopefully give me the freedom to give it up.
Give it up now.
No. That would be ridiculous, irresponsible. I cannot support a family of 7 without an attorneys salary -and even with an attorneys salary, I will be strapped at times. My life purpose is to raise these amazing children. You young, naive 26 year old, you don't realize so many things. You didn't sell out. You went down the stream. There are no accidents. I have the gift of hindsight, and you have the burning, angry idealism - with no vision whatsoever. There is nothing wrong with being a lawyer.
Bullshit.
Your impossible. But that's okay. I forgive you. I forgive the thought, and the feeling, that you have, of selling out. Look at where we are at now. We have such an amazing life - filled with so much incredible joy. There is no way you could have predicted, or even planned, the amazingly beautiful like we have now. Things turned out, and continue to unfold, perfectly, can't you see? You need to stop resenting me. I have a lot more experience now, and I have done a lot of healing work, with much more to day. And I can see that there are no accidents. There are no mistakes. We are right where we need to be. And yes, I would love to find something to replace the law that has the same pay and flexibility and benefits. Do you have any ideas, young idealistic man?
Okay, well maybe being a gutter, slime-ball attorney has brought you many benefits. And perhaps the profession isn't all bad. All lawyers aren't scum-bags. I got so ugly, disenchanted, cynical, about the whole legal system and legal profession in my third year of law school, and I never really resolved that conflict. But I have to feel and be who I am. I have to live authentically, but I don't know how to go about doing that. Dad never set a really great example for me in terms of living an internally authentic life. He didn't know how.
Lets at least agree to be open to other possibilities, and be a lawyer with as much authenticity and integrity as possible. I have plenty of good examples of lawyers that I admire - Barack Obama being one of them. I am going to use him as a role model. His coolness. Calmness. His ability to see all sides and appreciate all viewpoints. So I will practice law to the best of my ability and do my best to release all this angst inside.
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2 comments:
As a fellow member of the bar, I feel I can comment on this post with ease.
I am (trying to be) a boddhisatvva. My goal is to liberate other beings from suffering and to attain my own enlightenment once that task is complete.
In this present life-time, I practice law. It has given me many opportunities and taught me many things. It has made me keenly aware of suffering. It has provided me financial stability to help others financially (when that is causing suffering.) It will hopefully give me a flex schedule that will allow me to spend more time w/ my child and teach him/her about suffering and enlightenment.
Last lifetime I may have been a farmer, or a teacher. Next time I may be a monk. Who knows?
But if I am devine, and there is devine in everything - -then I cannot beat myself up for having a profession I chose for the RIGHT reasons, even though there are days I feel I could be doing more, better elsewhere.
You are a boddhisatvva, you are devine, you are a father, a husband, a friend. You nurture living kindness in those around you. You support your family. How could any of this be wrong?
Namaste Daniel, Namaste!
Thank you Meg, for such an inspired response. I am refreshed to hear your perspective. I have had that thought in me for the whole 14 years, and now eating raw, my mind is clear enough to see it, and to release it. Thank you very much. I felt much better after reading your comment, and NAMASTE to you!
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